As the subject header suggests, motoring related jokes only please.
Anything inappropriate or deemed offensive will be deleted without notification.
11708
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 4 Apr 10 at 21:05
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door...
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and
it's pouring rain outside!!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the
pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 4 Apr 10 at 21:06
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Welcome back Bb. Good holiday I assume?
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When I took my driving test the examiner asked me about the sequence of traffic lights ...............
Examiner: "What comes after green?"
Me: "I don't know, I've always gone by then."
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Here's one that got caught by HJ's prude-filter:
A car breaks down and a man looks under its bonnet.
"What's the matter" asks his wife?
"Piston broke" replies the man.
"I know you are," says his wife "but what's the matter with the car?"
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>> Here's one that got caught by HJ's prude-filter:
We'll be keeping an eye on the content posted here as well and will remove anything we consider inappropriate or offensive.
Vx
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ah the oldest motoring joke in the world, it was only a matter of time.
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A man orders an Elise for trackday racing.
"I want all the unnecessary weight removed" he says. "I don't want a passenger seat, any trim, carpets, sat nav, radio or even a spare wheel."
"How much is that going to cost me?" he asks.
"Normally about 40K," says the dealer "but with all these extras ..."
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Two old ladies, both driving (old) Beetles.
One says to the other "My car isn't running, and I looked under the bonnet to find that someone had stolen my engine!"
"Don't worry" says the other "I've got a spare you can have in my boot".
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I travelled over to Iceland by car ferry last week.
When I arrived the Sat Nav said "You have now reached your 'Dusty Nation'."
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how do you increase your lada value
just pour some more petrol
what do you call a lada on top of the hill
a skip
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Shouldn't these be:
>> how do you increase your lada value
>>
>> just pour some more petrol
>>
How do you double the price of a Lada?
Fill the petrol tank.
>> what do you call a lada on top of the hill
>>
>> a skip
>>
What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?
A skip.
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>> Shouldn't these be:
Thanks Chris - I thought it was just me :)
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Why do they need a heated rear window ?
To keep your hands warm when you push it.
Ted
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I came acrross the following in a press cutting.
This is the text.
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
______________________________________
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John.
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OK, you've probably heard it b4, but ...
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)
(Wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
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Some of the Man United players had a 1980's car themed party last weekend - Giggsy came in a Capri, Scholesy in a Montego and Rooney came in a £1200 Escort...
Last edited by: Caveman on Mon 13 Sep 10 at 00:41
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Not so much of a motoring joke but an old bikers joke:
Where does the Queen keep her chickens?
In the Royal Enfield!
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Scuse if Cee'n before ~
One bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd- numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.""
So the good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
Last edited by: Webmaster on Mon 1 Nov 10 at 19:44
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Tried using my B & Q discount card to scrape the ice off the windscreen this morning.
unfortunately I only managed to get 10% off.
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Someone asked me if there was a B&Q in Bangor - I replied in the negative as there is only a B in it as far as I can see...
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I was in court today on assault charges. I was in B & Q gardening section and a man came up to me and said ' Do you want decking ? '
Fortunately, I managed to get the first punch in !
Ted
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Somebody asked me if there's a B&Q in Bangor - no I said only a B !
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My Focus card sometimes gets 15% off.
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>>unfortunately I only managed to get 10% off.
I'm surprised you got anything off at all on a Monday. Try again on Wednesday.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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Got a new car for the wife last week - not a bad swap ...
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wife said to me last night
take me take me
i said dont be so daft its snowing in whitby
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the Landie and after having problems with it I proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand- new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high- resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a flock of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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Viz Top Tip
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying git told you I was speeding, too!"
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My goodness, some of these jokes are older than me and that takes some doing...:-)))
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There's two ways of looking at that Stuartli.
1. Those that are posting them are so young it's the first time they've heard them.
2. We'll eventually be so old we'll have that disease that makes you forget stuff (I can't remember what it's called) and think it's the first time we've heard them.
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The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpool youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Last edited by: Robin Regal on Tue 15 Mar 11 at 19:30
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Bit of an old favourite there Robin...... talking of old gags.........
Reminds me of the old Les Dawson gag...
Les - ' I was in Liverpool the other day and had my car wheels nicked.'
Les's mate - 'So nothing unusual about that'
Les - 'I wouldn't have minded but I was doing 70 at the time......'
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44 tonner just gone over on the M6 this morning.
Bottles and jars of Vicks Sinex and Friars Balsam all over the northbound track.
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.Motorway police say they're not expecting any congestion.
Ted
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Seeing as we're doing old old jokes...
After a conference the lead engineers from Mercedes, BMW and Porsche are in the toilets.
The engineer from Mercedes washes his hands and grabs a few paper towels. As he vigorously dries his hands, he says to the BMW engineer "at Mercedes we're pride ourselves on being thorough, even down to the small things, when i leave the toilet my hands are always completely dry."
The BMW engineer grabs only 1 paper towel and says, "yeah we do that too, although at BMW we pride ourselves on being efficient."
At that the porsche engineer comes from the urinal and walks past them both heading straight for the door and says, "at porsche, we don't pee on our hands."
Last edited by: Skoda on Wed 16 Mar 11 at 12:34
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Two automotive wheezes for you, both popular in Hong Kong:
www.ssangyongmotor.com.hk/ssangyong/actyon_sports.htm
And, the real side splitter:
www.ssangyongmotor.com.hk/ssangyong/cm600l.htm
Last edited by: idle_chatterer on Wed 16 Mar 11 at 14:31
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Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built
up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over,
at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about
all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens" he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something
about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, the policeman phoned the Council, and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three
weeks until he finally said to the policeman "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The policeman (in order to get Farmer John off his back) said, "Sure. Put up your own sign"
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he
called Farmer John “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've got to go. I'm very busy.." and he hung up.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of plywood....
'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
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Don't call us, Dog; we'll call you...
:-)
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I tried to resurrect the jokes thread, but couldn't find it. (I did, and moved it)
This really, really happened - and I hadn't heard it before.
We were at the Lada dealer in Limoges the other day (don't ask...) and chatting with the very personable saleswoman about the venerable Lada Niva 4x4, which I first road tested in 1989 (!).
She said 'how can you tell which one is the Sports version?'
>
'It's the one with the tennis ball on the tow hitch'
Last edited by: VxFan on Wed 6 Jul 11 at 18:44
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I recall a car auctioneer trying to come up with some positive patter about a Lada which was going through the hall.
He resorted to: "It's got the all-black tyres and the see-through windows."
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Do you know why Germans build such high-quality cars ?
So they don't have to go around being nice and smiling while they fix them.
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When we were passing through Germany in our beige Skoda Estelle, my wife pointed out to me that a lot of German men seem to pose beside their motors in motorway service station car parks.
It's true, they do. The sight of our motor often seemed to make them stand more proudly erect too, I couldn't help noticing.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Wed 6 Jul 11 at 18:30
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A rich business enters a bank in New York and ask for a loan of $5000.
The cashier tells him that for this loan they need a security.No problem the man says
and gives the keys of his Rolls Royce.The man leaves with his $5000 and the cashier parks
the Rolls in the garage of the bank.
Two weeks later the business man returns and pays back the $5000 plus interest of $16.
The cashier is curious and ask the business man.Can i be inpolite,i have checked your account
and you are a multimillonaire why did you want a loan for $5000?
Try to park for two weeks in New York for 16 Dollar.
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"I've saved a fiver filling the car across the road!"
"What did you do, flash your t1ts at the attendant?" I laughed.
"Ooh you men are so silly, it's easy to spot they're 10p a litre cheaper."
"Really, and on our doorstep?"
"Yes! God knows why you fill it up with diesel when unleaded's that price..."
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Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.
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It was my 1st day in sales in a large department store, that sells absolutely everything.
It was a tough start to the day in a new job,but when my sales manager came to see me at the end of the day he asked how I'd got on.
Well I did make one sale I replied
He said 1 sale !!, most of your colleagues manage 30-50 every day you'll need to pull your finger out. Anyway what was the value of this sale?
Oh it was for £123,678 and 99p
My manager choked and asked what exactly did I sell
Well 1st I sold him a pack of small fishing hooks for £8.99, then a medium pack for £10 and then I sold him a fishing rod, bait, tackle etc for £160..
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he replied down at the coast, so I told him he'd need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and he bought a 45,000 twin engined Power cat and trailer.
Then I asked what he drove, and when he repleid a 20 year old Mini, I suggested it wouldn't be powerful enough, and so sold him top range 4x4 with leather seats and all the works.
by now my manager was incredulous, you mean to tell me a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a rod,tackle a power boat and a 4x4.
.*********
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No,no,no he came in here to buy some tampons for his girlfriend and I said to him
.*********
sorry about that
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as your weekend is going to be different, you might as well go fishing
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.....
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The bumper Christmas and New year edition.
www.triumphspitfire.com/Jokes.html
Warning. You will need a little time...
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Not really. I laughed at 'Triumph Spitfire' and didn't need to go any further... ;-)
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral a voice from inside screams:
I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
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Two little boys are chatting over the fence between their houses:
"We've got a new car. It's got levva seats an' a glass roof!"
"That's nuffin'. My Dad's car's got more valves than your Dad's car."
Last edited by: TeeCee on Thu 7 Jun 12 at 09:27
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"I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?"
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Some motoring jokes are international, saw this recently in Austria (original in German) as a lonely hearts ad.
Farmer seeks woman with tractor. Please write to Box xxx and enclose photo of tractor.
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The husband was in pure ecstasy ...... a far-away, contented glaze in his
eyes and a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.
He was obviously, "totally in the moment" as his wife moved rapidly forward
toward him.... then equally rapidly, backwards away from him.
She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so
well ....first , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be
repeated with increasing pace and anxious determination. Again....back and
forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out. Sometimes in one long,
steady, drawn-out motion....... sometimes in a series of short urgent spurts
of movement..... but always keeping her focus on the same objective.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... she was starting to sweat
but she was so totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor
would she have cared even if she had recognized it...... her focus was
solely and totally upon her husband.
Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan..... at first, a soft,
barely audible whimper escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity
and passion rising almost as rapidly as her inhibitions were escaping her,
she abandoned all pretense. Her moans rising in volume, frequency and
intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder.
She began mumbling several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor
blush....... She was totally oblivious to the world around her.
Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer ...... she
let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted:
"OK, OK!.... You're right !!! I CAN'T park the %$#** car! ......... You do
it, you SMUG *&^%#!"
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Not in the same 50 shades of privacy glass as Ian's
Guy walks into a night-club with a pair of jump leads around his necks....bouncer says, I'll let you in but don't start anything...
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Dear Sally,
For some time I have suspected that my wife is having an affair. She has been "working late" regularly recently and always seems to get dropped off at home late at night.
I have been wondering how to prove this and last night I had a brainwave. I got my Triumph Bonneville motorcycle out of the garage and parked it in the drive. When I knew it was about time for my wife to return, I crouched behind it to wait. Sure enough, my wife was brought home by her boss, I recognised the car. They spent some time together parked at the side of the road in his car before she got out and came to the house. Unfortunately I couldn't quite see what they were doing in there.
Here is my question: While I was waiting behind the bike, I noticed a small oil leak from the cylinder head. Can I leave this until the next service, or should I get it dealt with now?
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I know its bad but I couldn't resist passing it on
... One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point
He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion.
"Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
"Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
"Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
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I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!
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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry.
It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.
One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me.
This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile.
"Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
So I can't let you onto the ferry.
It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over.
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
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Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he'd created the best motor bike in the world!
God disagreed, saying Suzuki's were a better designed bike! Harley said "What do you know about design. You created woman and look at the problems we have with them!"
"Ahem" says God "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours!"
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 1 Sep 13 at 00:46
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Motoring related jokes - Vol 1 - BobbyG
