This is a delicate male problem which other forumites may have had to face.
My wife is at the time of life, I am told, when she is liable to become scatty, careless, moody and aggresive. It does not do much for her driving style, and on one or two accasions I have actually been scared. She has ignored, or not noticed, speed restrictions, and tends to drive round country lanes in the blissful confidence that there will never be another car coming round the corner.
When I tried having a tactful word, merely mentioning that she ought to have thanked a neighbour who reversed to a passing place for her rather than charging straight past without slowing, it triggered a seismic explosion which threatened to end life as we know it.
Yesterday my daughter asked whether I had noticed that her mother's driving had got worse, and confided that she was now scared of riding in the car with her.
What do you think I should do? Provoke another explosion, or just wait for the inevitable crash and hope that it is only a minor one that will shock her into realisation?
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You don't want her dead or maimed CP. If you are seriously worried that she will have a crash you owe it to her, yourself and your children, if more than one, to get through to her if possible on this subject. After all she may be in an irascible state but surely isn't suicidal.
Choose a good moment, be insistent, don't get heated, talk it through if humanly possible. Must be the only thing to do surely?
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Say to the daughter: "Have a word - woman to woman - with your mother about her driving, will you?"
If they start tearing lumps out of each other, you can play the honest broker.
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I agree that the subject has to be addressed, a difficult one, but not as difficult as suggesting a chat with the doctor about HRT. (if appropriate)
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Fortunately we had a traditional Scottish wedding prior to which my wife omitted to check the wording. She therefore ended up promising before God and witnesses to love honour and most importantly "obey" me.......I find I have to remind her of this commitment perhaps a little too often these days.........
On a serious note, don't have the chat while you are still in the car. Choose a quiet moment over a gin or something and when you are in private. ( Mind and have an escape route planned and move anything sharp or heavy out of the way first though )
:-)
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>> Fortunately we had a traditional Scottish wedding >>
Oh? One that involved copious alcoholic intake, a massive fight between the families in the carpark, and the best man deflowering the bridesmaid?
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More or less.....except it was the barmaid as I recall. Knowing him though he might have managed a bridesmaid as well at some point......
:-)
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Aaha! So i was close!
I recall attending a weekend wedding in Motherwll about 20 yrs ago. Not very well, it seemed that the traditional Scottish Hospitality was in full swing.
Unable to understand the accent, i spent a lot of time nodding and grinning.
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So Mr's Pope is late 40's, early 50's and is going through the menopause. which can last for years :(
Its the lack of Oestrogen that does it and there are 2 ways of tackling it ...
(1) HRT from the Doc's,
(2) Plant based Oestrogen (Soy) such as this one which my wife used to good effect ~
www.estroven.co.uk/
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SWMBO made an HRT cake.
The general consensus amongst her colleagues of a certain age was they'd rather suffer the symptoms.
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My Wife is the worst passenger in the world and of course I am the best driver (before you lot give it large). However when she is in the left seat she 'brakes', grabs at anything she thinks fit (NO not that) she mutters, grunts and is generally a PITA.
H O W E V E R>>>>> when she is the pilot she drives like a bat out of hell. A colleague once remarked that her projectile had been seen listing whilst making progress (55 mph) through a local hamlet (30)!! If I try and broach the subject one gets ^&%$£"((&*^
Wish I could help, but for your Lady's greater future it sounds like it has to be addressed.
Best.......................MD
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Yes, I realise it has to be faced. You put it well, AC.
I like the idea of encouraging a woman to woman talk, a) because they speak a similar language and b) because it shields me a bit from the blast.
I suppose at the back of my mind is the thought that the problem might be partly me. I have always driven more slowly than most people, and even as a teenager was more concened about mechanical sympathy than demonstrating road-holding skills.
I suspect my wife secretly despises this defensive attitude to driving, so in a sense I am subconsciously provoking and encouraging her attitude.
(The death-wish by the way is not hers, as in suicidal, I meant mine if I dared to provoke another catastrophic erruption:) )
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This really is a tricky one CP, it's possible you are viewing her driving too harshly but seems your daughter has noticed too which maybe confirms you are right.
If it is menopause it affects all women differently, though i'm inclined to the view that if a woman suffers from 'mood swings' at regular times then the change of life can be a prolonged episode of that scenario.
I think outright criticising of her driving will be a red rag to a bull, may well never be forgotten and have no effect at all save for making every car journey a potential war zone, but you are in the driving seat as it were.
Does the good lady want to go for HRT or try alternative therapies to help her through this time, the Chinese remedies for various things do seem to work but can be a bit pricey.
Maybe when you find the time appropriate you could support and encourage her to seek more help for the often difficult change she is experiencing, and the problem would ease as a result, and you are supporting and helping her instead of condemning her driving.
EDIT if time, the country lane issue you are not alone, many people and mostly men drive round blind country bends like they are a one way street, goodness knows how they get away with it.
Last edited by: gordonbennet on Sun 25 Jul 10 at 07:35
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Maybe a bit of reverse psychology? Take to the wheel and drive exactly like she does ( but maybe with less blissful ignorance ) just make it look like you arent totally in control.
She may slow down just to prove she isnt like you, girls can be like that :-)
My wife is a funny one. She drives ultimately slower than me, but she accelerates/brakes harder and uses more fuel. She gets annoyed at me about this as I somehow drive more swiftly and get the average mpg up when I drive her car, yet I genereally get there quicker too because Im more decisive at junctions. Her only fault is when she starts talking at the wheel, she gets distracted, so I generally dont say much.
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Ah - all so familiar. Had (have) this with Nicole (tho not the driving, she has always been merde behind the wheel, tho not dangerous).
I explode and threaten to throw her out on her ear. Such over reaction tends to shock her back into normality. And then I suffer for a week.
You are very lucky. Women are not hormonal with other women. YOur daughter is the key.
"mum I am really worried about your driving, and I dont want to lose you........"
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Why don't you suggest all of you going on an advanced driving training day? This way everyone has their driving bad habits ironed out and your mrs doesn't feel picked on.
Perhaps your mrs is annoyed at all the time that has been wasted while you dawdled so she belts along to get it back :D
Different people have different perceptions and attitudes to risk. What ultimately matters is whether she can stop in the distance she can see to be clear on her side of the road. As a passenger you get a slightly different view - you can't see as far so it feels to you that she can't stop but from her perspective she thinks she can...
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>> What ultimately matters is whether she can stop in the distance she can see to be clear on her side of the road.
Yes, in terms of common sense, but IMHO what really ultimately matters is what the Police think of the OP's wife's driving. They'll take a very dim view of excessive speeding.
It needs tact, but OP you have to bite the bullet and speak to SWMBO - but never forget that she is a victim in all of this as well.
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Thanks everyone. There are some really useful observations and pointers there.
She has just driven 100 miles and back by herself with our son and two of his friends, apparently without incident, and certainly in a sensible rather than record time. I was at home on tenterhooks the whole time half-expecting a phone call from the police or someone, but I worried needlessly (and pointlessly, I conceed).
The only incident was one of the boys fell over and dislocated his shoulder, so there was a bit of a drama while that was sorted out. Perhaps in a way it helped, illustrating the way accidents can arise out of nothing but a momentary carelessness.
Perhaps another helpful thing was my wife asked why I got 20% better fuel economy when I drove. Perhaps LPG magnifies the advantages of careful driving, but she certainly I think got the message that surging forward impatiently then standing on the brakes is a sure way of wasting fuel.
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>>I was at home on tenterhooks the whole time half-expecting a phone call from the police or someone, but I worried needlessly (and pointlessly,<<
Mayhap its you that needs the HRT, me ole son.
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>> What do you think I should do?
Get yourself some sedatives/tranquilisers, or close your eyes when you're a passenger!
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Funny you post this. I finally permitted my other half, yesterday, to take the wheel of my motor. (She once drove me, some months ago in a car of her family's, and terrified me witless.)
It's quite clear that she's never learned to "drive" - as opposed to learning to pass a test.
So :
1. matching engine speed to road speed is a complete novelty. "what's that peculiar smell?" (clutch, Grrr)
2. she has absolutely no idea how to use the gears to best effect, which means change gear at 7mph, 15mph, 25mph. Which makes pulling into traffic terrifying.
3. anticipation of events is nil.
4. The foot rest provided for the left foot is the clutch pedal.
5. Gears are for go-go-go-go-go until... brakes are for stop-stop-stopstop! Thirsty on petrol.
6. She has no idea what the clutch does.
7. Traffic lights are for sitting there with the foot on the clutch, ideally at biting point so there is no panic when the lights go green.
I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, and suspect some IAM lessons might be a very good idea.
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>> I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, and suspect some IAM lessons might
>> be a very good idea.
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That's the problem, we teach people to "pass the test", not "how to drive".
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I wonder if there's any point in trying to refine the driving of someone we live with if there's no public safety hazard involved. Mrs Beest's driving - like her cooking - won't kill anyone but is hardly a pleasure or a relaxing experience for those along for the ride. But mention either while she's doing it and the reply will be in terms that would frighten a Coldstream Guard, never mind the two under-10s whose welfare is usually her top priority.
So I generally just put up with crunchy onion gravy and flaccid microwaved carrots, stopping at roundabouts we can both see to be clear, and driving miles at motorway speed without ever using sixth gear. I've even learned to brace myself when I see a red light for the inevitable kiss-the-dash stop at the line. (Granted, the Verso isn't the easiest car to brake smoothly but she knows about easing off at the line - just doesn't do it.)
But she does plenty I can't - or won't - so I probably shouldn't grumble.
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I am always amazed. I can cook, why cant she drive!
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Tactful driving advice, or death-wish ? - PeterEA
