We're not there yet but it might happen sooner than we expect. The matter has not been discussed in house (so to speak) at all yet so I am making some preliminary enquiries.
In the old days the bride's parents copped the cost of the lot. Looking around, it seems even modest weddings can easily cost £10,000+. This does not appeal at all as help with a house deposit might also be on the cards.
Any tips, advice and experiences please.
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We coughed up for our own wedding ! Deposit would be a more enduring gift !
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Out of your hands I'm afraid D.E. Men are not actually entitled to any lasting opinions on these matters.
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Very often the groom's parents chip in: mine did back in 1974 and shared the cost of the reception.
When my younger daughter was married two years ago we paid because the groom's parents had generously helped towards the deposit on their flat.
In the case of both sons' weddings I paid for the wine at the reception.
Bride / groom often pay the church expenses if it's in church.
Delicate, isn't it - maybe your daughter will give you a discreet idea of the other parents' finances: but they would have to offer.
Final thought - it helps if the wedding isn't in the summer, as for no very good reason venues charge more in summer for the same service. Camilla's was in October and we got a fairly plush venue (the Great House at Sonning) for well under £10k. As it's opposite the church we saved money by not needing a getaway car from church to reception.
Last edited by: Avant on Wed 20 Jun 12 at 22:26
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"even modest weddings can easily cost £10,000+."
A civil wedding cost £45. The remaining £9,955 plus is optional. Decide what you can afford, tell your daughter and and budget accordingly.
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Yes, good idea, set a budget. Even gain agreement to it.
And then watch it being totally ignored by the distaff side!
:-)
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3 x sons and 3 different weddings - ranged from £6,000 (FoB Paid) (2002) to £20,000 (2006)(Son paid)
Around here many hotels will do a turnkey wedding - Reception, cars, band, flowers, cake, table decorations etc etc say 70 people £4,000.................on top you have dress (£500-£2,000 in the above mentioned weddings), Suit hire etc etc so £6,000/£7,000 is still feasible.
Shop around there are deals to be done - Friday wedding much cheaper than a Saturday and bookable at short notice - Saturdays can be booked solid for years ahead!!
Anything that has wedding attached is expensive - Wedding outfit for MoB/MoG etc can be serious £££. bag and shoes easily £200-£300+ without really trying, hat £100+............it goes on and on.
On the other hand my wife did the 3rd wedding outfit for a pittance - end of line in a Designer Retail Outlet and picked up the genuine matching bag/shoes etc for about 80% off - we were a lot wiser 3rd time around...................sons' verdicts wedding 3 outfit was the best.
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MiL dies a few months back.
Clearing the house we discovered the Wedding reception bill - £147 for 70 people inc toasts etc..............1971 when £50 was a month's take home pay for a new graduate!
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>> Clearing the house we discovered the Wedding reception bill - £147 for 70 people inc
>> toasts etc..............1971 when £50 was a month's take home pay for a new graduate!
I still have mine from 1972 - Meal (roast chicken) was 6/8d per person with salmon sandwiches for the evening guests at 1/6d per person. Total with bar bill was £102-10-11d
It would have been 10/6d less but one of the guests had stolen the vase from the top table.
Paid the bill ourselves - went round one of my Aunt's house and retrieved the vase from her mantlepiece and got the 10/6d back
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I had a thieving Aunt as well. A woman of class - she and her sister (my grandmother) used to rob plant cuttings from the council's flower beds....Both were chapel people..
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"I still have mine from 1972 - Meal (roast chicken) was 6/8d per person with salmon sandwiches for the evening guests at 1/6d per person. Total with bar bill was £102-10-11d "
Unusual for the bill to be in Lsd (pounds, shillings and pence) as decimalisation came in during February 1971.
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You are quite right - I was married in 1970 not 72 at the ripe old age of 23.
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Done both my daughter's, in each case we told them how much we were giving and let them do the budget themselves. I told them to do whatever they liked, from eloping and blowing it all on a holiday to using it as a deposit on a property. They both spent it all on the wedding.
No.1 Groom's parents contributed the same as us, big do. Part of my FOTB speech was making it clear it was a joint effort.
No.2 Groom's father was an impoverished widower, so we gave the same as No.1, plus a bit for inflation. Because we were then in a better financial position, we then added a few grand more and made the same sum as a gift to No.1.
Keep the FOTB speech short and let the best man do the jokes. Don't listen to anyone here who recommends: www.youtube.com/results?search_query=rowan+atkinson+father+of+the+bride+speech&oq=rowan+atkinson+fathe&aq=0&aqi=g1&aql=&gs_l=youtube-reduced.1.0.0.238.10373.0.12345.20.11.0.9.9.0.409.2494.0j5j4j1j1.11.0...0.0.g5Fg2HYiT84
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TinyUrl, Tom - TinyUrl...
Just a thought! :-)
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>> TinyUrl, Tom - TinyUrl...
>>
>> Just a thought! :-)
What happens if some folk don't have the faintest idea what that is...or how to use it?
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"What happens if some folk don't have the faintest idea what that is...or how to use it?"
If an idiot like me can do it, anyone can!
Just go to www.tinyurl.com and do what's obvious!
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>> TinyUrl, Tom - TinyUrl...
>>
>> Just a thought! :-)
I can.
I know how to.
We don't need to now as it doesn't affect anything (AFAIK).
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>> tinyurl
>> We don't need to now as it doesn't affect anything (AFAIK).
It does with people who don't have wide screen monitors.
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>> It does with people who don't have wide screen monitors.
It seems to fit itself (with wrapping) into the standard forum width of approx 600 pixels? Or it does on my laptop anyway.
Personally I think a tinyurl link does look neater for links as long as this, but not that bothered.
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>> It seems to fit itself (with wrapping) into the standard forum width of approx 600
>> pixels? Or it does on my laptop anyway.
It might also have something to do with what browser you're using. With IE, it doesn't word wrap correctly, but with Opera it does. IIRC, you use Firefox, so it might behave the same way as it does with Opere.
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Mac powered Firefox - wraps around - Safari on iPad won't !
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OK. Wrist slapped. I'll tiny URL in the future.
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>> Or goo.gl/
'click analytics' - I'm guessing that you can see how many times people have clicked on the link you provided? Or something else?
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Dunno, that's what it says 'on the tin' though.
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You can make goo.gl a button on the toolbar with an extension, at least in Chrome and Firefox. Click it and a short url for the page you are on is created and put on the clipboard.
Comme ci -
goo.gl/PDZs
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>> You can make goo.gl a button on the toolbar with an extension, at least in
>> Chrome and Firefox. Click it and a short url for the page you are on is created and put on the clipboard.
You can do that with tinyurl as well on IE.
tinyurl.com/#toolbar
If anyone wants it, I can put a tinyurl command in a sticky at the top of the forum, just like I did in the other place. See the following example.
Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 22 Jun 12 at 13:23
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I know a decent chap (FOTB) who managed 45 mins on his feet AND held them all for that time too. Can't say who though or you'll have a go!! Great fun and very successful.
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>> I know a decent chap (FOTB) who managed 45 mins on his feet AND held
>> them all for that time too. Can't say who though or you'll have a go!!
>> Great fun and very successful.
I heard tell of FOTB speech. A parent removed their sprog to change its nappy, when they returned FOTB still hadn't reached upper school years.
Last edited by: bathtub tom on Thu 21 Jun 12 at 23:15
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As groom's parents a couple of years ago we offered to make a contribution but the bride's parents politely declined. We did buy the wine, although that was a small proportion of the costs of the modest wedding. Friends of ours with two sons have had their offers of contribution accepeted, so you need to think your tack if it comes off and they do offer.
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My wedding was about £5k. In-laws paid for the food and flowers, my parents paid for the reception venue and the car, my nan paid for the honeymoon and the rest my wife and I paid for.
Essentially people offered things and my wife decided - she first asked her parents if they wanted to contribute anything as we felt it was right they get first refusal ( quite traditional feelings on who pays for weddings but not made of money ), then when we knew what the in-laws were paying for my parents offered their part and my nan added her 'bit' when the parental spending was set.
In short, id start with the parents of the bride and give them first refusal, when thats fixed, if anyone else offers something go from there, but be careful not to make too much of the value of each contribution. My parents are far wealthier than my in-laws so we were careful not to discuss the actual amount they contributed which was about double what my in-laws did.
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My first wedding had my future f-i-l offer to pay, but didn't.....so I paid it all, about £10K in 1995.
That was a damned good wedding, but a dreadful marriage.
My second marriage, (in 2005) had my future f-i-l pay for virtually the lot, although it was at his very nice hotel, which took some of the edge of it for him. It still cost him considerably. I paid the booze bill, which was £1,500. I hate to think what the actual cost was.
That too was a damned good wedding....and i'm pleased to say the marriage is too.
There was very little chance in either case of my parents coughing up much. Mother hasn't got much and father has another, younger, family to worry about.
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1) Registry Office.
2) Small "do" at MIL & FIL's house.
3) 43 yrs ago,
4) Still together.
Moral. Don't assume a big wedding is essential.
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>>1) Registry Office.
2) Small "do" at MIL & FIL's house.
3) 43 yrs ago,
4) Still together.
Moral. Don't assume a big wedding is essential<<
+1 :)
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Moral. Ask the bride and groom what kind of wedding (if any) they want. They may surprise you .
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>> 2) Small "do" at MIL & FIL's house.
That reminds me of the time I travelled a couple of hundred miles to the wedding of a good pal of mine. I thought that it would be a really good knees up, as the reception was to be held at the bride's parents home, which was also a busy off-licence.
Well, myself and about a dozen other guests were well and truly thwarted, as we were each given a thimble full of sherry on arrival and an equally miserly amount of wine for the toast, and nothing more. But just to add insult to injury, I overheard the bride's father asking the old chap sitting beside him to come into the next room, as he had a good bottle of scotch in there that the two of them could get tucked into.
A truly woeful experience.
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Now that I think about it, I'm not sure we had any alcohol at all at our wedding. I don't recall, and until today I'd never given it a second thought.
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Dulwich Estate -
I attend plenty of formal occasions , not just weddings and I recommend getting a professional toastmaster / MC who will advise on the etiquette and are there to help and make sure everything goes smoothly on the big day. That is what you pay them for so you can enjoy the day.
Assuming by your forum name you are a resident of South London if you are interested I can put you in touch with one based in the Croydon area who I know and can recommend .
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>>Assuming by your forum name you are a resident of South London<<
I woudn't bank on it effendi, devonike lives in Manchester and swisstony lives in SE England.
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You could be right Dog....
Actually - I always thought that you lived in a ruff area near Barking.......
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>> I always thought that you lived in a ruff area near Barking<<
Nay retpocileh, I am Barking!
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Two daughters. I started saving when they were tiny. Certainly helped, but in both cases we had a budget and considered everything.
Personal opinion - A good photographer is much better value than a videographer.
If you are a whiz with your computer and printer you can save lots on invitation cards.
In laws - The one's with money didn't offer anything (although they did pay for the honeymoon). The one's without money did offer to help (but we declined).
The walk up the aisle with your daughter is a fantastic trip.
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>>Personal opinion - A good photographer is much better value than a videographer.
If you are a whiz with your computer and printer you can save lots on invitation cards.
Agree totally.
Last wedding had nearly a couple of dozen kids. Hired a children's entertainer (CRB checked, SWMBO had used him at school) who started as the pics were taken, went round the tables balloon modelling during the meal and took the kids off to a separate room during the speeches - they had a better time than us judging from the noise!
I can thoroughly recommend him to anyone within travelling distance of Northampton.
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Very topical! Eldest gets married on the 30th.
When Mrs H and I got married in 1978, Mum and stepfather shared the cost with my in-laws. Dad and stepmother didn't show up or help with the cost.
The current event; everybody is divvying up something. We've chipped in £3K so far and budget for another £2K when the dust settles. All the organisation has been done by my capable daughter. I'm trying to learn my speech when I'm not wasting time on here.
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I'm trying to learn my speech >>when I'm not wasting time on here<<
mods, give this master archer 2 penalty points please.
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A colleague is getting married next year. I believe that his arrangement is that he pays for the venue - about 10K (50% of the wedding) and both sets of parents will cover the rest.
Personally I can think of far better things to spend £20+K on.
A friend of our got married last year - they had a 10K budget to include the honeymoon. Local holiday inn were running a wedding for £999 offer which they went for - they added to the numbers but kept it to close family in the day, wedding in quaint local church, lots more people in the evening. Think it ended up costing about 2.5K leaving a healthy budget for the honeymoon
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My wedding cost 500 quid, and that included a 300 quid kitty behind the bar.
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>> My wedding cost 500 quid, and that included a 300 quid kitty behind the bar.
>>
>>
Sounds like a budget well spent to me :-)
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Thanks for the massive response.
Someone said: "Personally I can think of far better things to spend £20+K on." Which is my position. I can afford it but don't want to. I'd be happy to give a leg-up the housing ladder with substantial deposit assistance, but can't bring myself to consider parting with £10 - £20k for a nice day out funding a jolly for loads of people I don't know.
I am keen on value or money and know I won't get it. Mention the word "wedding" and the price goes up.
I need to lie down in a darkened room and try to re-adust mentally - otherwise it's going to be a painful time. Anyway, it might not happen.
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>>and that included a 300 quid kitty behind the bar<<
Was that to 'wet the babies head'?
:-D
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To put it into persective;
One Wedding vs Mk2 Jaguar 3.8
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>> To put it into persective;
>>
>> One Wedding vs Mk2 Jaguar 3.8
Have you been checking out the thread on illegitimacy? Tell them, its modern times, Wedlock is overrated.
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>> To put it into persective;
>>
>> One Wedding vs Mk2 Jaguar 3.8
That was my line as FOTB, 'there goes the new Jag'.
I also found one of my duties was to rush home and pick up the bride's shoes that had been forgotten with less than an hour to go. My suggestion that she could wear wellies under that frock and no-one would see them didn't go down too well (they would've been more appropriate in the weather). Arrived back ten minutes before the ceremony to the cries of 'aren't you ready yet!
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I find the whole idea of expensive weddings quite bizarre. It's fine for the those who are somewhere on the comfortable guaranteed income to super rich spectrum, but otherwise it's bonkers. By all means throw a party if you like them, but the idea of forking out £100+ per guest is mad.
As a wedding guest I feel vaguely guilty that somebody has forked out a load of money for me to attend and eat a meal with a load of people I don't know (probably because I don't really enjoy weddings anyway).
The likelihood is that the parents are sacrificing their retirement funds (now increasingly under threat) or that the sprogs could use it far better for a house deposit /smaller mortgage. Maybe people do it for the photographs. It just looks like an insane waste to me.
We went to the register office and signed up. My father paid for beer and a buffet in the pub afterwards. Her parents were church mice, we had no money, and I wouldn't have allowed my father to impoverish himself prior to us moving into a house sparsely furnished with donated second hand furniture. Neither of us is or was religious and we would have felt hypocrites had we had a church wedding.
We are still trying to decide whether it's going to work nearly 35 years on.
My daughter may well decide to marry her significant other - I'll help if she wants me to. I think she'll have more sense than to want to waste about £20,000, especially as it will come out of her share of the estate - if she wants to spend her inheritance that's fine, but there's no fairness in spending her brother's as well and I'm sure she wouldn't want to. In fact, I think what I should do if it arises is to give her brother an equivalent amount either then, or when he's the same age four years later.
To the point, the only etiquette that matters is that nobody's nose is put out of joint - so don't be rude, make everybody feel welcome, stay on good terms with the groom's parents, and try to see that the stars have a good day. Don't try stand up comedy unless you know you are good at it. There are lots of lists of the formal duties on t'internet.
Last edited by: Manatee on Fri 22 Jun 12 at 11:48
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I'm with this geezer.
Although, if you've got 'that-sort' of money, then I can't see any reason why not spend £10k or £20k on a lavish do, like my brother did with his daughters wedding, which included a vintage coach & horses jobbie.
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A significant reason for having "that sort of money" is that I have gone through life being careful with it, both earning it and spending it, and have always sought value. I don't waste it.
I am not tight and will buy what I want, but - a big but - if I choose say a telly or even a car to buy, I'll find just the model I want and then find the best price vs service (if appropriate) deal.
Spending £100+ each on countless people I don't know and will probably never even speak to is madness. Do you know, I think I'd be happier bunging £10k to a charity instead.
Oh well, I've got time to mentally adjust - that's why I asked the question well in advance.
I wonder what Mapmaker thinks.
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DE.
I feel the same as you, however my family consists of the wife and two daughters. I've got a minority vote.
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Mate of mine got married about 20 years ago. Neither parents or outlaws were in a financial position to offer more than a token financial gesture. They wanted a big wedding though, so he took out a bank loan. Wedding cost around 15 grand and it struck me that seeing the loan repayments every month on the bank statement was certainly one way of not forgetting the big day.
We got married in Denmark due to wife being non-European citizen. Close family and a few friends attended. Only thing that was expensive was the alcohol.
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I have just come back from the Parish Office from pencilling in date for next summer for daughter - and got the date she wanted as it is a 13th! As the year is 2013, she is not worried.
It has been quite an eye-opener looking at what happens when the word 'wedding' enters the vocabulary! A field (yes, field!) for the 'event' day? £6500 please, £6000 for the marque and you have to use our caterers .... we think not.
The couple know what they want and are paying, so as parent of the bride I am just helping where I can. I like their ideas, so that is good too. Looks like wedding in the village church, then it will be a summer fete with cream teas, coconut shies and all, and everyone able to meet and mingle followed by a big party in the evening with a hog roast or similar. Room for the young to camp if they want to and we have found some holiday homes nearby to rent for the weekend and fill with the elderly and infirm! A neighbour has offered a four seater vintage car for the ride to the church too.
Mind you , by next summer .... all could change!
Very different from my wedding in 1973, when I struggled to even have my own friends there as my parents controlled all!
Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 22 Jun 12 at 13:20
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Vx, thanks - although I am not sure why a large tent was censored - was it the ee on the end?
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Etiquette is one thing and what people can manage in the real world is another. I'm not poor (although I don't have Lud's sort of money) but I am very often strapped for cash and overdrawn not being rich either.
First daughter's wedding, went halves with my ex and paid for the wine (Avery's special cuvée, yum yum in those days anyway). Being well away got the groom's father's name wrong in my somewhat incoherent (but short) speech, but he was very nice about it, a charming man who has just died. My middle daughter's wedding was more ambitious, but she organized it with hog roast, big tent etc., and the in-laws, again very nice people and quite prosperous, paid for the wine and a lot of the expenses, as did the happy couple themselves. The bride's three children including her tot with the groom were bridesmaids, and it was held here, a very nice place which I feel I don't deserve. My speech was better that time, and still quite short. Youngest daughter was married by some sort of woman hippy shaman on a beach in Australia and we didn't make it. We sent some money but they didn't really seem to need it.
If I live that long I am looking forward to being a disreputable elder at some granddaughters' weddings.
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>> although I am not sure why a large tent was censored -
>> was it the ee on the end?
>>
The ee word is banned as it has this HTML effect: "causes text to scroll up, down, left or right automatically".
>> If I live that long I am looking forward to being a disreputable elder at some granddaughters' weddings. >>
By then they will probably be asking "Grandad, what is a wedding?" or "Why did people in the old days get married?"
Last edited by: John H on Fri 22 Jun 12 at 15:24
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>> Vx, thanks - although I am not sure why a large tent was censored -
>> was it the ee on the end?
It was the word marquee
If used in html coding, it can be made to do things like this:-
But some people took it too far, and therefore we had to add the word to the swear filter.
Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 22 Jun 12 at 17:03
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Wedding etiquette - esp bride's parents role - R.P.
