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I've just bought a new guard dog, trouble is, it lets everybody in, it's an UK Border Collie !
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I've been through UK border control and security twice this week. You can tell they've had their harrises kicked. Right miserable gtis they were.
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I can understand foreign countries checking me out as I am not one of their nationals, but why is it such a pain to get into my own country? I thought we had an open border policy.
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>> I can understand foreign countries checking me out as I am not one of their
>> nationals, but why is it such a pain to get into my own country?
Not likely to be the cause of much headache or paperwork for a box ticker are you Navy.;).
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Just been informed that my credit card has been knicked and used! am i bothered? nah! - they`re spending less than the missus!!
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When daughter and myself got off the North sea ferry massive queue waiting.One immigration officer at the till .Staff shortage.
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One immigration officer
>> at the till .
>>
Getting like Wales then if you have to pay to get in! ;-)
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>> Getting like Wales then if you have to pay to get in! ;-)
Dont go there - that really annoys me. :-#
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I went out to buy some camouflage trousers this afternoon. But I couldn't find any...
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I was sat on the train the other day admiring a very pretty young girl opposite me.
Eventually she frowned and said ' What are you looking at ? '
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' Six to eight years, love.........depending on what happens in the next few minutes ! '
Boom Boom !
Ted
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Two elephants jumped off a cliff.......
BOOM BOOM!.
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Q: How do you get down from and elephant?
A: You don't stupid! You get down from a duck!
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The dyslexic devil worshipper.
He sold his soul to Santa.
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Then there was the insomniac agnostic dyslexic bloke.........Sat up all night wondering if there was a Dog.
Sorry Perro...of course there is !
Ted
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
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How do you make a Swiss roll?
Kick him down a mountain.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out.
How do you make a hospice?
Give it lots of water.
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Local ice cream seller found dead in his van covered in raspberry sauce !
Police say he'd been topped .
Ted
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...Local ice cream seller found dead...
The same guy used to be a boxer.
But he quit because he was licked too many times.
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>>Then there was the insomniac agnostic dyslexic bloke.........Sat up all night wondering if there was a Dog. Sorry Perro...of course there is !<<
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see Dog!
I actually know an insomniac agnostic kinda dyslexic bloke in Plymouth, he's 23 now and I've known him since he was 23 months old, he's not married and has never done even alf a days work in his life (he's also type 1) he stays up all night and goes to bed in the morning, sometimes he wont sleep for many nights, then he'll just fall asleep all of a sudden (doesn't drive!) and will then sleep for say 11 hours or more,
(my ole mum used to say there's more out, than in!)
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no ears and no eyes?
Definitely no idea.
What do you call a deer with no legs, no ears and no eyes?
Still definitely no idea.
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Doh!
Last edited by: Iffy on Sun 13 Nov 11 at 09:33
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Bus queue, bloke at the front waits for the bus to stop and then takes out his glass eye and starts bouncing it. Next guy in the queue asks what he's doing..."Checking to see if there's any seats upstairs"
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A piece of string goes into a bar.
Barman says "Get out we don't serve strings"
String sneaks back in
Barmen yells. "I've told you before we don't serve strings. Get out"
String goes outside ties himself up, unravels his ends and goes back in.
Are you a string says the barman threateningly.
No come the reply. I'm a frayed knot.
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Two grey paving slabs in a bar. In comes a red paving slab. First grey one says to second grey one " Don't upset him, he's a cycle path"
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A Skelington (!) goes in a bar - "Pint of larger and a mop please"
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Two horses go into a bar. Barman says "What's with the long faces lads?"
Pie comes in, barman chucks him out, "We don't serve food in here !"
Labrador comes in, orders a large Glenfiddich. First horse says " Crickey a talking dog !"
Elephant comes in with a giraffe, the giraffe lies down on a sofa and goes to sleep. Barman says "you can't leave that lyin' there !" Elephant says " It's not a lion it's a giraffe..."
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A ghost appears at a bar, gone midnight, as the barman was clearing up.
He said 'A glass of your best Gin, please Landlord'.
The barman replied 'Sorry, we don't serve Spirits after hours!'
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The EU and IMF have told the new Greek government to halt exports of hummus and taramasalata. The country now faces a double dip recession.
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Chap breaks down in a lonely country lane late one evening, lifts the bonnet and is rummaging around, when he hears a voice say "no2 distributer lead is off". Startled, the chap looks about but can see no-one, only an old horse looking over a field gate. He looks back at the engine and sure enoiugh the said lead is off, he replaces it, engine starts and he`s on his way.
When he eventually arrives at the pub hes staying at, he recounts the tale to the landlord, who asks him if it was a brown horse, "yes it was" the motorist replied "how did you know?"
"Was your lucky night" replied the landlord " theres usually a grey horse in that field!! - and he knows nowt about cars!"
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This is getting all too silly....but delicious !
I went to the butcher's....I asked ' Do you keep dripping ?' ' Yes, sir ' ,he said.
' Well, wash your hands and give me a pound of mince then '
I said ' I bet you £5 you can't reach me some of that meat on the top shelf '
He answered ' No sir, I'm afraid the steaks are too high. '
So, I went home and said to the wife ' What's for dinner, luv ?'
She said ' I've got pigs feet. '
I said ' I know you have, but what's for dinner ?'
Ted
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"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
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>>
>> "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your
>> uncle jack off a horse."
>>
>>
>> Is everybody clear on that?
Nice to see you used the American spelling...
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A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies,
“You remind me of someone, but i cant remember who! - and if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over.!
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I thought that was very funny, but maybe that's just me...
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Wenn Rapunzel nicht blondin gewesen ware, hatte sie die tur auf gemacht...
( German joke - sort of...)
What it means is...oh never mind !
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I think you had to be there Humph ! :-)
Last edited by: gmac on Sun 20 Nov 11 at 21:20
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Man goes to a pet shop and says he wants something to help him overcome his loneliness. Gets sold a caterpillar which he thinks strange, but he's desperate for a companion.
He takes it home and leaves it in its box on the windowsill.
Later that night he decides to see if the caterpiller will cheer him up and come down the pub with him.
"Will you come to the pub with me?" he asks.
Silence.
So he asks again, a bit louder. "Oi. Caterpillar! Will you come to the pub with me?
Nothing.
So rips the lid off the box and bellows, "I said, will you come down the pub with me?"
And the caterpillar says, "No need to shout, I heard you the first time. I'm just putting on my shoes."
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MI6 has revealed that terrorists are now packing high explosives into cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti. They say if just one is detonated it could spell disaster.
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I once bought a can of that, Mike. I took it back, I felt cheated , it only contained ' o 's !
Ted
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Who likes you the most, your other half or your dog???
Try this simple experiment………..
Put both of them in the boot of your car, leave for an hour………..
When you let them out which of them is really happy to see you. ??
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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare
you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I
can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to
me with tears in her eyes and said,
Please ... Do you have anything else your wife doesn't use ?
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The cathedral needs a new bell ringer and the Dean puts a notice on the door "Bell ringer required'
Next day there is a knock on the door. The Dean opens it and there is a man with no arms.
He says has has come for the job. The Dean says how on earth can you ring bells with no arms and the man says 'I will show you'. They climb to the loft and the mans starts hitting the bells with his head in perfect time. That's amazing says the Dean but as he speaks the mans slips and he falls to the cathedral floor 200 feet below.
A crowd gathers and someone asks the Dean "Did you know the man's name?"
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No" said the Dean, "but his face rings a bell!"
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Anyway they still need a bell ringer so the notice goes back. The next day another man knocks on the door and explains to the Dean that he is is the dead mans brother and asks for a trial at the ringing. OK says the Dean and takes him up to the loft. The mans starts ringing the bells but suddenly clutches his chest and dies from a massive heart attack and falls to the floor below.
Again someone asks the Dean if he knew the man's name
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"No" said the Dean "but he's a dead ringer for his brother'
BOOM BOOM
.
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Speaking of bellringers, Quasimodo was relaxing in the courtyard by Notre Dame after a light lunch of red wine and a baguette.
Anyway, the bishop walked past looked down, and said ' Quasi, me old mucker, What's that enormous lump in your trouser pocket ? '
.+
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' Oh, that ' says our man ' It's just a photo of me dad '
Boom Boom
Ted
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>> after a light lunch of red wine and a baguette.
Too little detail. What was in the baguette ;-)
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first.." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest.".
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole,
...
a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan
a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai......
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For "Oh My Goodness" jokes, you can't beat sickipedia. It does exactly what it says on the tin, and is probably unsuitable for mainstream consumption 90% of the time. That's why I haven't linked to it. Don't say you weren't warned ;)
Last edited by: Dave_TDCi on Tue 13 Dec 11 at 23:10
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Boom Boom thread. - Runfer D'Hills
