There are times when you just cannot believe you've said something so wrong. Mouth before brain.
Hence this happened.
Mother in Law: - I've never really noticed before - you're quite tall aren't you.
Me: - Oh well, all my family's male members are quite large.
Deeply embarrassing. Anyone else want to own up to anything?
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Stood at the altar in Manchester Cathedral in 1969 I uttered those immortal words.....I DO !
Still can't believe it.
They walked on the Moon the day after...I keep telling her I wish I'd been with them.
Only kidding dear.............she's in bed otherwise I wouldn't dare.
Ted
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Ok, I'll take the maestro on lease for 30 months............
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We have a friend who is quite a well-known actress. About a year ago in her dressing room in St Martin's Lane or thereabouts, I blurted out that I had seen her not long before on late night TV, playing Myra Hindley in a grim but competent biopic. I added that I had been impressed by her mousy demeanour and flat Black Country accent.
Slightly irritably,she said it hadn't been her. However it had been someone younger so she supposed she should be flattered. I had seen the biopic late at night, sleepy and well-oiled, and had recognised my friend late and with difficulty in three-quarter rear view. Completely wrongly it seemed.
Her hairdresser, also present, said that Paul McCartney had come in for a haircut the day before wearing a sprig of something in his buttonhole, and the hairdresser had said: 'What's that? A lucky heather?' What a nice man. But I still thought I wouldn't be forgiven.
I was though, because our friend, sweet-natured and highly intelligent as well as beautiful and a damn good thesp, came to our end-of-the-world party in De Grove the other week.
Ponce ponce, eh? But every word is true.
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Many years ago I was attending a course to get authorised to be able to perform Weight and Balance calculations for large aircraft.
(Certain categories of cargo must not be mixed in the underfloor compartments.)
When asked in class " how would you " deal with a certain senario?"
My answer was " I would put the dog in the middle, put the meat up the back and that will get the tail down!"
After a great deal of mirth from the class I was reminded of my statement for many many years.
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At a job interview, someone came up to me and said, "Dave, great to see you again. How are you?"
Me: "Hi. Have we met?"
Him: "Uh, yes, I'm the Chief Pilot of XXX Airlines. We met at your graduation ball."
[everyone else in the room cringes]
Me: "Oh, of course!"
Me (silently): "Oh god, how much did I have to drink* that night? I don't remember meeting you at all."
Must have said something right though, because I got the job. :-)
* a free bar is a dangerous thing
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When my rather strait laced Mum was alive and big daughter was small, grandma was playing with some cut-out numbers with granddaughter.
Mum goes off to the loo, and on her return I spotted a cut-out 2 stuck to her dress.
"Mum, you've got a number 2 stuck to your dress"
"Oh, I only went for a wee!!"
Absolutely true too.
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I asked Paul McCartney on the subject of marriage if he would ever go down on one knee again. He replied, I'd prefer it if you called her Heather.
MD
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28 years ago when my sons were 8 and 10, took them to a club where they allowed kids to play on billiards table. Couple sitting at the bar, had clearly been crying: they'd just come from pet cemetery and had casket in bag. Kids notice things, don't they. My youngest asked why they'd been crying. I whispered the story. Then - very loudly - he pointed out: "No dogs allowed in here" notice on wall. Couple heard him, I looked for hole to open up so I could hide .. but, bless 'em, couple burst out laughing!
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>>> I asked Paul McCartney on the subject of marriage if he would ever go down on one knee again <<<
Careful M, careful :)
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Once upon a time, long, long ago - I worked for a film producer in Beak St. orf Regents St. (W. London)
The M.D. always had a byrd called Donna in his office, and he was always out & about with her.
One day, there was a phone call from a Woman asking for Peter ... is that Donna I asks?
NO she shouts - ITS HIS WIFE!!
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Mother-in-law said: "You think I've got that disease that makes me forget things, I can't remember what it's called".
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Met one of friends ex's in a pub two weeks back. She is a beer lady and can easily out drink me we got talking for a couple of hours and I wes keeping up with her on the drinks and must have had 6 pints in those two hours which is a lot more than I usualy would have in a short space of time.
We got onto the subject of his ex and I said
"I don't know why he is so popular with the girls but everytime he goes out the girls are all over him"
her
"did that happen when he was going out with me?"
oops!
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I once asked an Arab for his Christian Name.......
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yes you can have a discount :-(
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Years ago chatting to a German friend on the phone about his impending road trip to Scotland. He was speaking about coming to the UK in his Spitfire. I had to go and mention that my uncle had often spoken of having been to Germany in his.......
:-(
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couple of years ago lady-fiends mother was in the post office trying to pay some pennies into grandchilds savings account.
Now lady-friend has had two former Partners, one of whom is said childs father.
when asked for account surname, granny couldn`t quite remember which was daddy,and so was getting quite flustered and repeating to herself out loud, Dixon, Cox, Dixon, Cox...
Apparently the whole queue couldn`t stand up for laughing!!
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Things you really wish you hadn't said - Ted
