Non-motoring > Doing an oilrag	Miscellaneous
Thread Author: Stuu	Replies: 128

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:08   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Few recent comments made me wonder if id outstayed my welcome of late an tbh, Im a bit narky rite now for unrelated issues, so, I thought rather than go out in a huff, id do it X-Factor style and put it to public vote for a bit of a laugh :-) So the question is stay or go, answers yes or no. Im looking for 51% to tip the balance either way and I shant take it personally which way votes go, think of it more along the lines of whether the place would do better without my contributions as a forum. 24 hours starting now, the lines are open, Davina is ready to host the resulst show! Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:10   Doing an oilrag - Pat

Grow up, Stu You'll deserve my Drama Queen label soon. Pat Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:14   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Ok, ill put you down as a Yes the lol. Oh and im not trying to be dramatic, Im looking for enough encouragement to hop off, which may result in the house getting decorated and the primroses being planted up. I tried to leave a few weeks back but I got drawn in again, so a final push wouldnt hurt. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:18   Doing an oilrag - Fenlander

As Pat says... grow up. This is pure attention seeking and not worthy of a vote. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:18   Doing an oilrag - Fenlander

Oops... dongle doubling. Last edited by: Fenlander on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 18:20 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:19   Doing an oilrag - Armel Coussine

Stick around Stu. I speak as one who is sometimes inadvertently a bit more abrasive than I mean to be. No one's perfect, not even me, let alone you... Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:19   Doing an oilrag - Pat

Ok then, if that's what you really want then:) BTW, it is possible to do decorating, gardening and look in here at teabreak and lunchtime. I do it all the time but then again I'm female and can do multitasking:) Pat Last edited by: pda on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 18:21 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:30   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

If Im honest, I think im starting to suffer from depression. Ive been a sufferer since childhood and every now and again it creeps back when theres alot going on ( and there is ahuge amount going on atm ) - this place has dragged my spirits down abit of late but I find it hard to log out sometimes, its quite compelling, so I was looking for a kick out the door if you get me and I sensed the mood of the moment was right. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:33   Doing an oilrag - Dave_

As was said on here the other day Stu, it's only the internet. I'm with AC on this one, stick around mate :) Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:38   Doing an oilrag - BiggerBadderDave

"If Im honest, I think im starting to suffer from depression." So would anyone who'd bought two broken Suzuki Wagons in a row. Snap out of it. Cheer up. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 19:09   Doing an oilrag - Zero

>> If Im honest, I think im starting to suffer from depression. Ive been a sufferer >> since childhood and every now and again it creeps back when theres alot going on >> ( and there is ahuge amount going on atm ) - this place has dragged >> my spirits down abit of late but I find it hard to log out sometimes, >> its quite compelling, so I was looking for a kick out the door if you >> get me and I sensed the mood of the moment was right. Pull yourself together man < SLAP > < SHAKE > Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:31   Doing an oilrag - Tooslow

Noted! Sexist remarks! I think I need counselling now. Stick around Stu / Wil, that's my vote. John Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 18:46   Doing an oilrag - Cockle

Just remember that even if you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you...... Never seen the point in walking away, if something upsets you just take a back seat for a while, have a watch and then post when you want, just like a pub really; you can sit in the corner and have a quiet pint or you can join in the debate at the bar. When all is said and done it's an internet forum, it really is not important enough to worry about. In the great scheme of things there are much more important things. So, no, don't go; you don't need to. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 19:07   Doing an oilrag - Zero

>> Grow up, Stu >> >> You'll deserve my Drama Queen label soon. >> >> Pat # Dont you ever give your grip up on that Trophy so easily. It was hard earned and seriously deserved, wear it with pride. Fight for it woman! Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 19:02   Doing an oilrag - Skoda

I vote go. I don't really but everyone else is saying stay so we need a balance :-) Shoo Stu, it's even got a ring to it! * no disclaimer required, even though i put one in the 2nd para... Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 19:31   Doing an oilrag - BobbyG

Stu, stay, but remember this forum should be a way of relaxing at the end of the day, or a source for help with some information required. It should not dominate your life, it should not add to your day to day worries, it should not become a "fix" you need every day. Chill out, maybe come in every couple of days or so rather than hour by hour updates. It should be your local pub, a place you nip into at the end of the day to have a pint and unwind with your pals, some of who will disagree with you but not in a malicious way. If you feel you are nipping into the pub more and more, and other things are falling behind because of it, then you have a problem! Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 19:37   Doing an oilrag - Dog

www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6K9JqR9dVE Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 19:59   Doing an oilrag - kb

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLgdcGEqgcw www.youtube.com/watch?v=exPyw8OM41k www.youtube.com/watch?v=arUqoKjU3D4 www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_GVSFPg-dA www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRIgpdNZEvA www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNsjh1FYLUY Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:07   Doing an oilrag - Iffy

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZk_HnE-cdU Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:10   Doing an oilrag - rtj70

Don't think you can claim to do an oilrag - you don't write weird postings. Weird choice of cars maybe but not in posting style ;-) Stay but chill out. Perhaps have a short break and get the decorating done though. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:14   Doing an oilrag - Zero

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJx-coqJl-U in the mornin' you go gunnin' For the man who stole your water And you fire till he is done in But they catch you at the border And the mourners are all singin' As they drag you by your feet But the hangman isn't hangin' And they put you on the street, yeah You go back, Jack do it again Wheel turnin' 'round and 'round You go back, Jack do it again When you know she's no high climber Then you find your only friend In a room with your two timer And you're sure you're near the end Then you love a little wild one And she brings you only sorrow All the time you know she's smilin' You'll be on your knees tomorrow, yeah You go back, Jack do it again Wheel turnin' 'round and 'round You go back, Jack do it again Now you swear and kick and beg us That you're not a gamblin' man Then you find you're back in Vegas With a handle in your hand Your black cards can make you money So you hide them when you're able In the land of milk and honey You must put them on the table, yeah You go back, Jack do it again Wheel turnin' 'round and 'round You go back, Jack do it again Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:22   Doing an oilrag - FotheringtonTomas

>> do it X-Factor style I don't know what that means. You've started wearing women's clothes? Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:23   Doing an oilrag - MD

Leave it out my Son, you ain't goin' anywhere. Part of the furniture, Period.........Or was it G-Plan? FWIW I spend far toooo much time on here and I also have so much to do at home, but after a days ear bashing from ungrateful customers it is a great place to relax. Perhaps someone (PAT) should work out a rota for us. 4 on 4 off, that sort of thing. Now.....................who do I want to be on with??????? Chin(s) up Stu. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:39   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

I do hope I get one genuine 'get lost' - wheres bellboy when you need him huh? I did toy with the idea of a far-right rant to alienate myself and force departure, but I thought it would be disingenuous - Im not an MP so couldnt do it in the end, ill leave BS to the pros. Im disappointed in you lot, bunch of pansies your all to soft for words, ya didnt notice when I disappeared for a week, maybe I should have gone like that instead, now ill feel guilty if I do! Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:40   Doing an oilrag - MD

Get Stuffed you Chicken..0:) Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:44   Doing an oilrag - Zero

>> Im disappointed in you lot, bunch of pansies your all to soft for words, ya >> didnt notice when I disappeared for a week, I did, but I kept my trap shut so the scent would go could and the search party wouldn't find you. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:46   Doing an oilrag - -

>> I did toy with the idea of a far-right rant to alienate myself and force >> departure, What, you don't mean to tell the truth about the state of the country shirley...they'll be monitoring at Cheltenham and you'll be flagged up...disappearance is a distinct possibility..hang on there's someone at the door..... ;-) Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:39   Doing an oilrag - RattleandSmoke

I made a comment on the other thread about the danger of all this car stress cracking you up. It looks like it might have happened :(. Might not be the car stress which has caused it though. I found taking a trip to Cornwall and Devon snapped me out of nervious breakdown, I also bought a push bike which I used in the warmer weather. You need to find something else to take your mind of things, the worst thing you can do is sit around all day on the internet. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:48   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Im afraid my problems wont go away by going to Cornwall, much as I love the place, damage done in childhood tends to be the hardest to fix because it is so very buried in your psyche and how your mind works. The cars arent really the issue, its just one of several cherries on top. I know that when Im having to sleep 16 hours a day to function, the problems are deeper than that. The net is, well if you have some of the issues I have, its a good way to keep me talking to other human beings, Im not at all fond of them in person by and large. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:00   Doing an oilrag - RattleandSmoke

You seem to do quite well with the ladies (despite what happened in the past) at least you're happily married. Just don't get into the internet trap of never going out. The fact you need a car suggests that is not going to happen though :) Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:28   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Cars are a great way to get away from people Rats but my job requires a minimum of contact with people, usually just a hi, get the keys and get on with the job. I dont actually have too much trouble interacting with people, I just dont much care for doing so. Id be a recluse if money allowed. I initially had girlfriends as an experiment and my first wife was a disappointment ( she needed a very long warranty with a big cashback bonus ) but my current wife knows the ins and outs of my past and a basic understanding of how they can affect my behaviour, so she doesnt give me a hard time when many people would get impatient. She is a great support and one of the few people I have time for who Im not related to by blood. Its a miracle I found her though, I find most women my age extremely irritating. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:06   Doing an oilrag - Bromptonaut

Do the seasons get you Stu? My other half is struggling atm 'cos the days are still short and we seem to have had wall to wall low grey cloud for ten days or so. It's bad enough down this end of the county but she reckoned it was worse when she's been over your way because of the 'big sky' thing on eastern flatlands. Last edited by: Bromptonaut on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 21:07 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:13   Doing an oilrag - Zero

One of the reasons we split the vacation into single weeks rather than one lump. Week in March - somewhere sunny, Week in summer in the UK so we can take the dog, and week somewhere in October - again sunny. This year its Gibraltar/Tangier, Wales, Sicily. Seems to work well and keeps the year alive. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:33   Doing an oilrag - rtj70

We try to do the same Zero. It was meant to be a week in Tunisia at the start of Feb (never booked), the lakes a couple of times for long weekends. A week in Italy in May, somewhere in the summer in the UK and then two weeks in October overseas like a Greek island. Get yourself a holiday Stu. I know we feel like we're due one - last October in Greece seems a long time ago now for us. Like Z we'd prefer more week holidays (I get 6 weeks plus bank holidays) but the cost of two weeks is often not much more. Not wanting to pry Stu but if you did need to talk the past over with a professional then that can be arranged via the GP. Might be worth thinking about? Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:38   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

>>Not wanting to pry Stu but if you did need to talk the past over with a professional then that can be arranged via the GP. Might be worth thinking about?<< Nah your all right, pry if you wish, the shrinks always say you must talk about it blah blah. I loath shrinks btw, seen a few and they do talk some twaddle, nothing a headlock wouldnt sort out. I dont mind talking about it as such, but to people who arent used to the subject it covers, they find it very hard to digest at times and it can manifest in sickly sympathy to compensate. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:42   Doing an oilrag - rtj70

A lot of us have baggage - I know I've locked away memories from the past. I am sure I ought to remember more of my accident in Italy but my memory of how it happened is pretty blank. I was knocked out - that's true. Maybe you don't need a shrink just a counsellor of some sort to talk things through with? Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:45   Doing an oilrag - MD

Counsellor's used to be Family members or friends. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:51   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Oh I have all the memories, thats part of the problem. I cant remember if I locked the back door 5 seconds after I do it, but this, I remember everything vividly and with an adults perspective these days. Amnesia would help rather than hinder! Counsellors are all well and good, but they dont really do anything a normal person cant in this case, theres no working through factual events, they just suck. Agreed Martin, and my family are fantastic, but my parents especially carry a enourmous guilt about it which makes it tough for them to say anything as they didnt know for 20 years and they, like any good parents think they should have. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:10   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

This year its Gibraltar/Tangier, Wales, Sicily. Seems to work well and keeps the year alive. Forget Sicily - You won't get out of Wales. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:14   Doing an oilrag - Zero

I'm going to tie markers to the trees so I can retrace my steps. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:30   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Ive never noticed it before. Im a very practical person so I tend to view the seasons from that perspective - ie winter is cold and a hassle, summer is all wasps and bugs, but spring and autumn are happy mediums, so with the flowers just coming out in the garden, its a good time for me. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:39   Doing an oilrag - RattleandSmoke

I find the best cure of depression is to keep busy and when you're self employed if you have a lot of work done you will tend to do it. I sometimes get depression and it does cause problems but I try not to let it affect me too much. I've been ok for the past few years, I do get down and now and then but that is a difference to depression. The worst thing I find is it I have a quiet day and nothing to do that is when I get lazy and start to feel sorry for myself. Last edited by: RattleandSmoke on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 21:40 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:53   Doing an oilrag - Zero

You know, It helps to be friends with yourself. You need to like who you are, and you need to be happy in your own company, as well as others. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 20:42   Doing an oilrag - bathtub tom

You're too sensitive. Try driving around in an old KIA Pride (with a brand new MOT). ;>) Reply to this message | Report message       2

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:04   Doing an oilrag - Bellboy

no comment from me cant do right for wrong with some people Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:37   Doing an oilrag - MD

I have a little understandingly of where Mr. Wilberforce is coming from so let's keep this on the level (as it has been so far) and do without the 'unkind' type of 'P' taking that sometimes manifests. We all have crosses to bear. Cheers all. Reply to this message | Report message       6

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:50   Doing an oilrag - legacylad

al see thee bah gum Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 21:50   Doing an oilrag - swiss tony

depression is an awful thing. It NEVER totally leaves you, unless you have suffered with it, you cannot comment on it. I have good days, bad days, and very bad days... Those who don't understand it, but comment on it, I find can make it worse. Least said, sooner mended. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:01   Doing an oilrag - MD

Is that pointed at me ST. I rather hope not. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:10   Depression - Stuu

Just a quick poll - anyone have any experience of childhood traumas? I know its a serious subject but its been a while since we had a thread with any gravitas, I guess now is as good a time as any, I have half a day left yet. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:18   Depression - rtj70

>> I have half a day left yet. Nobody said leave did they? Personally the only trauma I had was my father dying in the house when we were upstairs. I was nine. We (me and my brother) also knew what was going on downstairs with ambulance, doctors etc. I won't mention my wife's 'trauma' but it was much worse but when she was a teenager. Last edited by: rtj70 on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 22:19 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:20   Depression - Bromptonaut

There were things my parents did (rigid bedtimes for example) that I've chosen not to impose on my own kids but nothing I'd describe as traumatic. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:27   Depression - RattleandSmoke

My school life was very taumatic for quite a few reasons I won't go into, I had a none life threatening medical condition (not long cured) but it was bad enough for me to skip school due to bullying. In the end the situation got so bad my parents took me out, that is how I ended up in a rough innercity school where isntead of teaching they made was watch Harry Enfield videos. To be fair some of the teachers there were very very good but some were really bad. The maths teacher I had in set two was brilliant, he was the only teacher I ever had which made maths make sense, he was very old fashioned but he left half way through my GCSEs and got a bad result in the exam (D). That said only 3% of the people in that year got a C or above. I was still bullied a lot here to the exent of me ending up in A&E witha cracked knee and internal bleeding but I stuck it out. I then went to different colleges locally and hated it because of the stigma. I took a year out and focused on my trying to cure my medical condition, it worked and started a new college the other side of town (this is 11 years ago now) and then two years after university. I was very popular at both college and universities I found this cured a lot of depression. 12 years on from school it still haunts me and it is why I still have little confidence in a lot of things. I think this is one of the reasons I love the local alternative scene so much, I can go into the clubs I am known in spend hours socialising and meeting new people. It is like I am making up for what I didn't have at school. I still have problems but the past ten years have been by far the best of my life. Most people have had some sort of major event in their life which will always affect them though. I probably shouldn't really mention this but a very close relative who drives a green Ford (you know who) had a nervious break down 13 years ago and that was hell. We almost lost the house and everything. Last edited by: RattleandSmoke on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 22:29 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:31   Depression - Stuu

Been there mate, I know how a bad school life never really goes, 6 years of worrying who is around the next corner, hapless teachers but all the while vitually trapped in with the lot of them. I ended up in protection in the library ( form tutor was head of library so he coul keep eye on me ) with a few other lads. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:38   Depression - RattleandSmoke

We were lucky, a few of were were alloud in the technology or science labs at dinner time because the playground was too rough. At least in there the worse it could get is a bit of a name calling. It was only when I went to college and university I realised it wasn't me as such. About 8 years ago one of the bullies stopped me in the street and apologised and told me what a crap home life he had when at school and took it out on me. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:42   Depression - Stuu

Im certain that the people involved in what happened to me had bad home lives, but I shant be handing out forgiveness at any point. They made school look like a holiday camp. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:53   Depression - MD

Stu, if it was extremely serious get justice. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:56   Depression - Stuu

It was, the Daily mail would do a two page spread on feral youth no doubt. I checked up on the perps recently, but all but one are in prison anyway according to a local source who knows of them back where I grew up. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:02   Depression - MD

Stay in there Stu. Easy for me to say, but history is for learning from and NOT for re-visiting. Forward only. Best........MD Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:21   Depression - Dave_

>> I ended up in protection in the library >> a few of were were alloud in the technology or science labs at dinner time It was the music practice rooms for me, same reason. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:12   Doing an oilrag - Bromptonaut

MD I didn't read it as aimed at anybody but rather as a post, like several others, written from the perspective of somebody who's been there or seen there. Last edited by: Bromptonaut on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 22:12 Reply to this message | Report message       1

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:22   Doing an oilrag - swiss tony

You have it in one Bromptonaut. I do suffer with it. Not too bad lately thank goodness, but 10 years ago I had it very bad. Shrinks didn't help me, in fact I always felt worse after seeing one. My turning point was when I woke one morning.... something I hadn't expected to do. That day, I realised my family needed me, and that was the thing that made me decide to fight. That is a battle that I fight every day - sometimes its a very uphill fight. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:24   Doing an oilrag - MD

Are apologies in order? Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:27   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

>>That is a battle that I fight every day - sometimes its a very uphill fight.<< Indeed. I fight myself every day to make it worthwhile. Im lucky I have my son. I dont see him much, but I have his picture all over the house so I never forget thats its not just me. That does help alot some days, I even have him as my screensaver! Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:44   Doing an oilrag - rtj70

You seem to be winning then Stu. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:52   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Keeping head above water more like. Ive had such a rubbish year, I knew id not hold up if it carried on, the new car was supposed to reduce the stress abit aswell. Doh! Between deteriorating health, very up and down finances, supporting my wife through deaths in her family, my dads heart problems, issues with seeing my son, cars and driving my nans care agenda, what I didnt need was the past nagging at me aswell. Its all just a bit too much sometimes. The last one is more than enough on its own frankly. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:00   Doing an oilrag - RattleandSmoke

You sometimes just have to break things down into different problems and not think about the big picture because it comes harder to cope with. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:24   Doing an oilrag - swiss tony

>> Is that pointed at me ST. I rather hope not. >> Nope. Not pointed to anyone in particular. Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:24   Doing an oilrag - MD

Clash. :0) Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 22:55   Doing an oilrag - Londoner

I never imagined that anyone on this forum was having to battle against depression. The very best wishes to everyone. I've experience issues myself with depression, and they were bad enough, even though not on the scale that some of you gents are facing. I had a life-limiting depression when younger. I went to see a highly-rated lady therapist, and she got to the root cause in only two sessions. It's over 20 years ago now, but I remember vividly the moment when everything was explained. One minute I was describing an innocent street scene of no apparent significance - the next (guided by her questioning) all hell broke loose emotionally, and I was cured. More than cured. A negative has become a tremendous positive in my life. The only other time that I've sought therapy was car-related, funnily enough (and topical for a forum like this). That's boring though, and still a work in progress. Last edited by: Londoner on Mon 21 Feb 11 at 22:55 Reply to this message | Report message

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:16   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

Stay with it Stu, this place (well HJ actually) was a real lifleline when I lost my wife suddenly in 09 - one of the few places I could hang out without anyone knowing what I was going through until I let the story out in my own time. I could write a book about depression. I noticed you'd gone quiet for a week or so - we would have had the dogs out after some more time elapsed. As someone said dip in and out contribute if you feel like it. Reply to this message | Report message       5

Mon 21 Feb 11 23:32   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

The funny thing about what happened to me is that Im more wary of peoples reactions than I am of the actual story. It sort of makes me sad when I write about it, but as is often the case, for the most part Im emtionally detached from it, but it brings out fairly strong emotions in others, esp those with kids. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 09:01   Doing an oilrag - BobbyG

In one of my previous jobs, one of my staff had a total breakdown in my office - we had been chatting about monthly sales figures etc, a few tangents to the conversation happened and before I knew it she was crying her eyes out and telling me what had happened to her as a child. To this day I don't know why it came out that day - she had never told another soul and with her permission, and with her present, I explained to her parents what she had told me. That opened a whole can of worms with that family, she was off work for a while but came back and told me she felt totally as if a burden had been lifted from her shoulders, and her life. She thought this was something that had only happened to her, she couldn't tell anyone because no one would believe her. It transpired she was not the only one, and everyone did believe her. It also had a chain reaction and helped the others who were affected. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 10:19   Opening cans of worms - Stuu

I thought about it overnight, the idea of naming the crime as it were. I spent some time reading a few news reports from 2009 when an incident similar to mine happened and some kids got locked up as a result. I suppose my reluctance at times is that I dont want that to be me in the paper but then on the otherhand, its prob an irrational fear of other people taking over to get justice - Im lucky my sister lives on the other side of the world, she was insanely angry about what had happened because she knew all the people involved. What the heck, you only live once... Some of you may recall that rather horrific story of those two kids who carried out that sustained attack on those two other boys, about 18 months ago the story ran, it sounded pretty bad, I didnt care for the details. When I was 8 I suffered something similar several times by the same 4 kids each time, although the level of outright violence was less and only used to subdue rather than for the sake of it. I remember wandering down the allotments near my home where kids used to make camps and I went up to the current camp to see who was about. I got ushered into the camp by some kids and inside, there was a girl I knew, older than me, about 15 from a very wayward Romany family ( live in a council house tho ). She then lifted up her top as part of her version of show and tell ( I was 8 and had no idea quite what I was even seeing and no interest in it either ). She then turned on me and demanded I stripped. I was like no your alrite love an went for the exit but she yelled at two kids to block the exit which they did, I tried to push past but they shoved me back in and into a load of nettles. Then something hit me in the head and I cant say for sure how long it was but I sort of came to in that way where you take a while to realise where you are and whats happening. I was laying on the floor and the first thing I saw was this foot, well a Reebok trainer to be precise, standing on my wrist and I became aware that there was a kid each standing on my wrists, infact I could barely move at all because the girl was sitting on my legs and someone else was standing on my ankle. I remember she had half a brick in her hand so I assumed that was what had cracked me round the head, I screamed but she smacked me in the stomach with the brick so it took my breath away and then took a few cracks at my arms aswell for good measure I guess. At this point I was in sensory overload because the pain was in so many places an my head was thumping, it all felt a bit blurry, but I have moments of clarity about what she and the other kids did next. The brick was used a few more times, I cna picture her holding it up, sharp edges too. I guess the blanket term is gang rape, the things she did, they did, certainly I had no real idea what they were doing, but I do now and it makes me sick just thinking about it, details ill keep for myself, serves no purpose. I dont really know when it ended, I remember wandering home in a bit of a daze, lying about why I had a bump on my head ( fell of my bike mum ) and just going to play in my room. Its weird because I had all these memories clear as day, but I realise now that the mind can act to protect you so I attributed no significance to any of it and until a year or so ago, I hadnt. Then there was just one night, id just drifted off and like a sodding movie, I woke up and suddenly all those memories, the whole thing took on its true meaning and with adult eyes, I saw what they had done. And I cried for hours, hated it, but I couldnt stop and I dont really cry unless someone departs this earth usually, but in a way, I guess I was mourning that lil boy I see in the pictures because now I realise where much of what came later started and why he wasnt smiling anymore in 90% of the pictures. The crushing part is actually that I realised it was just wrong time, wrong place, just chance, on another day id have been fine. My sister said that when she thinks back, she knows that something had happened, but sometimes, aslong as the trains run on time as they say, nobody notices. This was unfortunately just the start. Maybe I was just unfortunate, I guess its possible although Ive read many times that once you become a victim, you can get an invisable marker on you that screams out to bullies and such. Luckily it happened the once like that, then a lesser episode happen a few weeks later. I guess I wanted to share that because I think quite often when you read about this kind of thing, they gloss over the long term effects and the actual violence never seems to be protrayed how I remember it. My version is sanitised so as not to be censored, people can fill in most gaps anyway. There is an awful lot more stretching another ten years past this, some of it notable in its own right, but its the nightmares from this which prey on me on occasion and I guess its that pivotal moment from which alot of who I am comes from. Hope you guys dont mind me sharing, delete if deemed too much. I temporarily hid this to allow Stu a moment or two for reflection and to ensure that we were in a good position to monitor the thread and manage any undesirable comment. We've now agreed that it should run. Smokie Last edited by: smokie on Tue 22 Feb 11 at 12:55 Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 10:46   Doing an oilrag - Badwolf

Stu, I read your last post just before it moved. What can I say? Hats off to you for having the courage to post it on here. I daresay it has been removed for all the right reasons. I, too, am battling depression at the moment. Feel free to contact me through the mods if you want. And no, you shouldn't leave this place. All the best. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:05   Doing an oilrag - boolean

It strikes me how many folks suffer from depression. It's an issue in my wife's family, so I know second-hand how it can take over. Sorry to hear about it, mate. I hope you can work it out. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:08   Hidden Post - Stuu

My hope is it reappears, but its not my decision and I respect the mods on this. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:12   Hidden Post - Zero

It may have helped to get it out there in print anyway Stu, even if it doesn't survive, May be like getting a monkey off your back. I saw it BTW, Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:18   Hidden Post - Stuu

I think they are more worried about the reaction to the post that the post itself, I sanitised the details to an extent to avoid it looking like a Daily mail write up :-) As I said to the mods, ive already told this story on another, bigger board than this and the reaction was top notch and I have more faith in this lot. The BBC allowed it so I figured here may be ok. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:39   Hidden Post - Dog

>>The BBC allowed it so I figured here may be ok<< That's why I don't post much on here now, but hey! it's their site :) 'The answer', Wilberforce - lays with you ... as my ole mate up on the moor used to say "we've all got our baggage to carry around with us, wherever we go, be it Tenerife or Cornwall (in my case) We're into March in just 6 days and 'the black season' (as Laurie used to call it) will be behind us - yippie!! All the best buddy - Ray. Reply to this message | Report message       2

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:18   Doing an oilrag - Zero

>> It strikes me how many folks suffer from depression. Get a stupid dog. They never whine or care about themselves, they don't judge you, listen attentively to all your moans groans and complaints, don't care that you are pathetically sorry for yourself, are eternally grateful for any attention you can give, and give you unrequited love. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Tue 22 Feb 11 21:13   Doing an oilrag - MD

>> Get a stupid dog. They never whine or care about themselves, they don't judge you, >> listen attentively to all your moans groans and complaints, don't care that you are pathetically >> sorry for yourself, are eternally grateful for any attention you can give, and give you >> unrequited love. >> Actually Z. Having had a life of dogs (3 Labs at present) they sure know when you are down. If I have the Hump (NO, not you!) they get in their beds, but when I am sad they rally. As an aside dogs never live long enough. I may be rambling, tired as hell. Stay in Stu. Best...................Martin. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 21:46   Doing an oilrag - rtj70

Our cat knows when one of us is down or feeling under the weather. Last edited by: rtj70 on Tue 22 Feb 11 at 21:50 Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 11:40   Doing an oilrag - Mapmaker

I recommend a week's skiing in mid January. A good blast of fresh air, sunshine and daylight. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 12:08   Doing an oilrag - Zero

>> I recommend a week's skiing in mid January. A good blast of fresh air, sunshine >> and daylight. Really useful advice in February! Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 12:39   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

There are two types of depression (or so I'm told) the clinical type which is caused by chemicals in the brain and the reactive type a reaction to something that happens. Any life event can trigger off the latter and sometimes a combination of events. Easy to define maybe but hard to shift. There are strategies (as I found) but I was lucky to have a lot of care from a professional after my particular event - even then at 3.00am on your own it's hard to reconcile stuff. For the record I didn't remove your post - My digit did hover over the "hide" key but I'm not going to criticise a colleague's decision. Just listening to a R4 programme about "debt" now and I wonder where it's going to end for a lot of people. Guess we're storing up a load of trouble for the future. As Zero says - get a dog. I nearly re-homed mine in the immediate aftermath - but life moved on and I wouldn't be without him now. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 13:15   Doing an oilrag - AshT

Stu, don't leave is my first advice - I'm more of a lurker than a poster, but always like to read your posts and I think you're a valued and appreciated member here. With the trauma you've mentioned (I saw the post incidentally before it was hidden), a divorce, not seeing your son as often as you'd like, and everything else I think you do incredibly well to keep going, running your own business, and paying your way in life. I went through a very unpleasant divorce a few years ago, ended up on antidepressants for a long time before coming out the other side. I found that on its own hard so can really appreciate how you have rebuilt your life. Finally, like Zero and Pugugly have said, think about getting a dog. The hound of the Ashvilles is great company and keeps us all smiling. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 13:21   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

It's been unhidden now. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Tue 22 Feb 11 14:18   Doing an oilrag - Armel Coussine

And a lurid story it is. Being bullied is part of everyone's experience, but being tortured and held a helpless captive is a bit beyond the usual. The awareness that you can be rendered absolutely helpless like that must undermine confidence in a damaging way, analogous to what some women feel after being raped. It doesn't go away in a hurry because the victim retains a nagging fear that it may happen again, reinforced in Stu's case by another incident or two. The scar tissue can last a lifetime. He seems to have managed largely to deal with this for himself. But it's a pity the shrinks he has seen have failed to impress him. Some psychological therapies work very well. Unfortunately though the best of them (when it works) is psychoanalysis which costs a bomb and takes up a lot of time, rendering it difficult for people in normal jobs. The problem with these therapies is always the chemistry between therapist and patient, which can't be guaranteed in advance to run harmoniously. It may have done you good to tell us about that, Stu. There's no call to flounce out. I haven't noticed many people calling you a wimp except in jest. And you can safely ignore the ones who mean it. What do they know? Take it easy, man. Stay cool. Reply to this message | Report message       2

Tue 22 Feb 11 15:32   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

>>And a lurid story it is. << I know, hence I hesitated somewhat. What many women especially find hard is the idea of a sadistic teenage girl, it jars with them alot, but that stuff with Vanessa George, although somewhat different to my experience, really drove home the issue with the public that females were far from exempt from such terrible things. It helped me to read the level of commentry on it. >>analogous to what some women feel after being raped.<< Unfortunatly, the system is all about women when it comes to rape. When I first started to deal with things, I found a fair degree of info from abuse survivor websites but they often concentrate on long-term abuse rather than brief but violent episodes, which are somewhat different in their effects quite often. >>But it's a pity the shrinks he has seen have failed to impress him<< Shrinks can be somewhat full of their own self-importance and they have their way and no other. For me, the easiest therapy has always been talking about it. Ive accepte within myself that the long term scars are part of who I am, the damage was too early, it affected my emotional development to an extent aswell as shape my personality, so for me, it would be like trying to turn a straight man gay - ya just cant. So for me, being a little left-field at times, I find making people aware helps them understand why Im going the long way around something even though there may be a technically easier way to do it. >>I haven't noticed many people calling you a wimp except in jest<< Nah, the reactions have been interesting and often informative, lots of views and discussion works through things and given the time I spend here, I figured I may aswell spill and see where the cards fall, its how I usually approach it. As my wife said, Im prob tougher than most because I know what the really bad stuff feels like, so wimp would be a little misguided. When my first wife was caught cheating, I just said 'Oh, ok, well thats a shame' and I went and bought a choccy bar - could be worse after all. Teflon emotions have their uses! Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 17:46   Doing an oilrag - Armel Coussine

>> Shrinks can be somewhat full of their own self-importance and they have their way and no other. For me, the easiest therapy has always been talking about it. Not if they are proper analysts Stu. Analysis tends to knock all that pomposity, excessive self-regard and so on right out of you. That said, there certainly are and have been pompous malevolent gits working as analysts or masquerading as such. Of course analysis does consist very largely of the patient talking (or remaining shtum, as the case may be... 'Time's up I'm afraid. You haven't said much today. Still, it's your analysis. You're paying for it.') Apart from the shrink's interpretations, which can really be amazingly enlightening if the patient understands them, there is quite a strong therapeutic effect from putting whatever is bothering you into words. It could be that when you describe it properly, or try to, it falls back into proportion instead of being an inflamed area that you compulsively look away from. You probably know Stu that the great Freud called analysis 'the talking cure'. It doesn't necessarily cure but there's usually a lot of talking. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 17:48   Doing an oilrag - nyx2k

well worth the money if the anylist is good and as said the good ones will get you talking and helping yourself within a few hrs Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:45   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Thankyou btw. Too proud by half but thankyou. There are many that also need help. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 18:41   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

I know what you're saying AC - but the coping strategies I was given were indeed a gift. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 14:54   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Im not a fan of dogs myself, too much responsibility and Im a bit OCD about mess of any kind, so Im not suited to them. I guess the reason I thought id throw my experience out there is not so much for the sympathy, but maybe just a little education on how this sort of thing and bullying, both of which Ive spent much of my adult life studying, affect peoples lives in ways that your average person doesnt even think about. I have involutary fears of the unknown, its instinctive because I spent maybe ten years of my life avoiding threats, I spent my school years learning to assess risks by visual clues and situations - my wife calls me rain man because I have a habit of accurately predicting what poeple will do with just a thimble full of info on them or the situation ( she also calls me Oracle ). This is a legacy that has its benefits I guess, but it has a negative too. I have what is often called social anxiety disorder, although shrinks hate that term, but theres thousands who have it, so Im not alone in that, which is a wide-ranging condition which is specific to the person and an utter pain to work around, but I do try. I know that many, many people who had such experiences as children go on to addictive behviours such as alcohol and drug addictions, so Im eternally grateful that I never drank or came in contact with drugs. I did self-harm to an extent and went to some extremes to deal with bullying. I recall one morning I took a razor blade and slashed up one side of my face - not for the pain, it flipping hurt, but it made the bullies think someone had got to me, which bought me a few days - it was entirely practical, but of course, to an outsider, its extreme, but what happens when you feel totally alone with such problems. The common factor is that in many cases, parents never know about any of this and for some reason, keeping it a secret is something you feel compelled to do, because after a while, your self-worth is so low, you genuinely believe your deserving of it, even though you dont know why. I had a few friends at school, but when I left, they fell away and I fell in with some dodgy types in my late teens, who had I stuck with them, id prob be in prison right now, they were into serious stuff that I wasnt aware of until they were arrested. I did at the time think they were mates. I never again trusted anyone to be a friend. Plenty of aquaintances, no friends, although I allowed myself romance, not that Im terribly good at it, but strangely successful nonetheless. Theres a huge lot more like when some lads knocked me off my bike in a field riding a motorcross bike with a baseball bat. My childhood was packed with such things, it never really stopped. Ill just add a little on cars. If you wonder why I slavishly seek out ultra-reliable cars over anything else, its because predictablility is extremely important when the unknown has hurt you that many times over the years. Its a driving force to build a castle around your life so that you can relax and forget about whats outside when your in your tower. Since I need a car to live, that car is an extension of the castle, if that makes sense, but its not just a desirable feature, I need it, I have enough anxieties to work with as it is The funny thing is, many people never clock on just what an internal fight Im having, Im very good at 'acting normal'. There are of course so many little things that nag, but Im used to it now, its me and strangely there are upsides its created that otherwise may not have happened, but ive waffled on enough! Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 16:21   Doing an oilrag - Dog

"I feel very sorry for him – he has been brave, although he may not realize it, in opening up to everyone. Also it can be very “cleansing” to get something horrible out in the open. More people that we realize have a story (trauma) to tell but we all deal with things differently and I’m sure that more people than he realizes will identify with him and his story". This was from my wife, and I agree with her 100%. Reply to this message | Report message       1

Tue 22 Feb 11 16:24   Doing an oilrag - CGNorwich

This message has been hidden as many of our users have rated it as offensive. You may view it by clicking here "he has been brave, although he may not realize it, in opening up to everyone." but is a motoring/general discussion forum the place to do it? Not sure. Reply to this message | Report message       2

Tue 22 Feb 11 16:49   Doing an oilrag - bathtub tom

If he finds it cathartic (is that the right word?), then why not? Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 17:41   Doing an oilrag - nyx2k

serois offer. No strings i'll pay for the first session with a proper psycho analyst. its on average £100-150 ph to see a good one. i dont know any near you except one in leicester or feel free to pick your own. i'll send you the money and trust you use it for a little help you may need. why do it you all may ask and the answer is because i can.and want to Reply to this message | Report message       8

Tue 22 Feb 11 17:59   Doing an oilrag - Armel Coussine

Have you had any analysis nyx2? That is an extraordinarily generous offer. However although a single session may help, the real thing is 3 to 5 times a week for a year or more (a late friend of mine was in analysis for 15 years). There are though ways of reducing the price or even getting the council or the NHS to pay for all or part of it. It's quite complicated to do. Usually if you complain to your gp that you feel a bit barmy in some way you will get to see some sort of psychiatrist. I imagine that the people Stu has seen in the past may have been psychiatrists. Some are terrific of course but many are anything but. Anyone interested in analysis should contact in the first instance the Institute for Psychoanalysis. Its shrinks are mainstream Freudian, Kleinian and Middle Group. But the cost, although not necessarily as high as nyx2 claims, is very steep unless a subsidy can be arranged. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 18:11   Doing an oilrag - nyx2k

my wife is a therapist and has many friends and a few are Analysts the Analysts i know are excellent and charge accordingly. shrinks are what stu may have seen before but if you cant relate to someone then you dont get far and in my experience 70percent of the therapists/shrinks ive met i would not want them knowing anything about me. there are some excellent ones and i know one who works for the nhs in brighton but ive just phoned her and the waiting list for nhs is about 6months minimum. my advice to stu is get you 3k back and invest it in yourself and not an old car. your welfare is much more important than having a nice car. my offer stands in that you may feel that after talking to a proper Analyst for an hour that its not for you. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 18:37   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

I was referred to a Counsellor - he gave me strategies to deal with stuff - which I used regularly, lot less these days. It was good money, well spent. Eight or nine sessions - it helped. He ended up moaning about the trials and tribulations of his car ( a PT Cruiser) - so I suppose it was a reciprocal arrangement ! Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 18:43   Doing an oilrag - Armel Coussine

>> the waiting list for nhs is about 6months minimum. Could be well worth the wait if you can get accepted (a big if). I agree that a session with a proper analyst might reassure Stu as to the utility of analysis. But it might not. This is because the whole system may seem unbearable to some people. They just can't stand the idea of going over and over the sort of thing they have spent a lifetime avoiding thinking about. Others simply have difficulty with discourse. And as nyx2 and I have both said, what will work for a given individual with one analyst won't necessarily work as well with another. A matter of interpersonal chemistry. Most of Freud's patients were rich Viennese bourgeois. Unfortunately it is no coincidence that most analysands are relatively well educated people. Not only are they more likely to be able to talk the talk, they are more likely to have or be able to borrow the eye-watering amounts of bread required. And they are more likely to know a bit about the subject and be interested. It shouldn't be like that of course because poor and uneducated people are just as likely to need it as the bourgeoisie, more likely perhaps. But for those most in need to have this expensive, time-consuming therapy two things are needed: generous subsidies and absolutely first-rate shrinks who have the energy and ingenuity to get through to wordless, crazed proles (please Stu don't imagine this is a reference to you!). Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 18:20   Doing an oilrag - Londoner

>> If he finds it cathartic (is that the right word?), then why not? >> I agree completely. What's important is what's right for Stu here. If that means telling us 100% of his experiences, or 50% or none, then that is up to him. It also seems as if the audience on this particular forum may have more in common with him than any of us realized. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:18   Doing an oilrag - CGNorwich

"then why not" Seldom a good idea to reveal intimate detail of your private live on a public forum. OP may well come to regret it Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:31   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

nyx2k - you have mail in your registered account. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:42   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Ive done it before, never had any regrets there and it was to a bigger, far more public audience. I thought it through, benefits outweigh the negatives. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:46   Doing an oilrag - CGNorwich

So you have posted all this before somewhere else? Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:49   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

He said that quite early on in proceedings. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:49   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Yes, on a softie left-wing parenting board. Call it a warm up for here :-) Only problem is, mothers in those places tend to want to adopt you because they find it so 'out there' when men really open up. Its nice, but sometimes guys say more useful things funny enough. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:27   Doing an oilrag - CGNorwich

Which site was this Stu - I would be interested to read their comments Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:35   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

I think in a way, the comments lately about the non-motoring section becoming bigger than the motoring made me think perhaps this place has morphed into something more organic than its title suggests and while it is definately a heavy going topic for many ( I have the luxury of reading and research which have made it easy to discuss at length ), every now and again we have had some incredibly productive threads on a personal level here ( I think it was one about regrets in life a long while ago ). Its actually extremely helpful to hear what others say because sometimes, you need to put yourself in context, which isnt easy from my perspective, Im highly self-critical so not unbiased. As I said to the mods, if by saying this I spur someone to do something in child protection, even just raising money for a charity that supports children, then its worth every word and criticism. Also, if by saying any of it, it reaches someone, maybe just a lurker, who has had any similar experience and they dont feel alone with that anymore, its so worth it. Its one of the biggest taboos in society, but that actually alienates victims as much as it does the people who do these things, perhaps more so because the damage done isnt easy to quantify, its invisable, so easily dismissed as 'sort yourself out'. If only it was so easy. Reply to this message | Report message       7

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:42   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

Well said Stu. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:47   Doing an oilrag - Zero

>> Its one of the biggest taboos in society, but that actually alienates victims as much >> as it does the people who do these things, perhaps more so because the damage >> done isnt easy to quantify, its invisable, so easily dismissed as 'sort yourself out'. If >> only it was so easy. Of course, you have to accept that some people may feel uncomfortable with this, and may treat you differently in future on here. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:54   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Perhaps, its a risk, but actually, most people understand and I stand by my belief that to make it taboo simply gives aid to those who would hurt kids. They want it to be a secret that nobody dares mention, especially when kids become adults and find their voice. Reply to this message | Report message       2

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:49   Doing an oilrag - nyx2k

like most on here, i'll take the mickey about your car decisions but i dont want to ever put anyone down about their life events. you never know who we are talking with and saying someone is a bad parent or a lousy partner can have some very bad effects on the recipitent. my wife had a patient who frequented a popular forum for mothers with young children. one day she went on the forum and got flamed for mentioning that her young son fell down the stairs as she left the stairgate open. she took it so badly she is no longer with us and her son is brought up by is grandparent. as before if you need help ask and ask very loudly Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:56   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Those mothers forums can be very toxic, make this place seem light-weight. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 19:58   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

Cue Biggger Badder Dave ! Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:03   Doing an oilrag - Zero

of course they are toxic, your a bloke! Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:15   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Yeah but I was bloody-minded enough to stick with it which they eventually respected, took a while though. Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 27 Feb 11 at 03:35 Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:03   Doing an oilrag - Robin O'Reliant

Stu, there must be thousands of people who have gone through similar experiences to yourself but out of a misplaced but understandable sense of shame continue to suffer in silence. The courage of those such yourself make it easier for others to come forward, and not only help themselves come to terms with it but in many cases put the assailants behind bars. It was the actions of an initial few that exposed what had been going on in the catholic church for decades. Only by exposing the extent of these crimes will we begin to look for the signs and do something effective to combat them. Reply to this message | Report message       2

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:35   Doing an oilrag - BiggerBadderDave

"there must be thousands of people who have gone through similar experiences to yourself but out of a misplaced but understandable sense of shame continue to suffer in silence" Bought two broken Suzuki Wagons? Reply to this message | Report message       1

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:38   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

I think because the subject can be uncomfortable, that discomfort on its own stops people speaking out because of the fear of judgement by well meaning, but ignorant people. Ill have a search for the website I found once which had a list of all the misconceptions about the subject, its nice to read something when your very raw from the realisations of it all that your not a nutjob. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:44   Doing an oilrag - bathtub tom

>>It also seems as if the audience on this particular forum may have more in common with him than any of us realized. That surprised me too. I wonder if the forum's typical of the general public? Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 20:54   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

Theres certainly a mix of views politically and plenty of differing opinions, so Id say it has a fair crack at being typical, aside from the motoring interest bit. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 21:35   Doing an oilrag - R.P.

Matter for him CG - it certainly generated debate/interest. Sometimes it's better like this. Reply to this message | Report message

Tue 22 Feb 11 22:39   Doing an oilrag - Stuu

www.aest.org.uk/survivors/ Just a little link if there were any questions thrown up by the thread. It is fairly simplistic but a great first point of reference if you have any basic queries, helped me. Reply to this message | Report message

Wed 23 Feb 11 08:10   Doing an oilrag - Rob81

Stu, it sounds to me like a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may be of use to you. I know lots of people have little time for CBT, but having experienced it professionally in a number of settings, I think it might be worth you considering. A CBT therapist will be less concerned by your early experiences than other schools of therapy and will focus more on practical solutions to the issues that cause you problems. Also, there's a government initiative called improving access to psychological therapies (IAPT). It offers (mainly) CBT to people who would have previously not qualified for secondary care mental health services (community mental health nurse, psychiatrist etc) but require some psychological help. You may find that twelve sessions of CBT would work wonders, there should be a shirt wait and it's free. If IAPT isn't operating in your area yet, it should be soon. Best wishes, Rob Reply to this message | Report message

Wed 23 Feb 11 12:00   Doing an oilrag - Armel Coussine

That's a good suggestion. Can help, and is fairly accessible. Reply to this message | Report message