7 year old child's grandpa has died who he doted on and was very close to.
Child has seen cemeterys before and understands thats where people are buried when they die.
Anyone any experience or tips on how to explain cremation? He wont be going to the actual crematorium but will be going to the church service beforehand. His mother wants to be as honest as possible about things to him but not quite sure how she explains his grandpa will be getting burnt!
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This site may be of help, David Penhaligon was a Liberal MP fondly remembered here in Cornwall who died when a van skidded on ice and hit his Rover SD1, he was just 42.
www.penhaligonsfriends.org.uk/parents/info-advice.php
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I remember David Penhaligon. He was a politician I liked and admired.
However, I found the website advice somewhat contradictory.
"When explaining the events of a funeral to child, it's best to "tell it like it is." "
and then
In explaining cremation to your child, avoid words that may have a frightening connotation such as “fire” and “burn”. Instead, in a straight-forward manner, tell your child that the deceased body, enclosed in a casket or container, is taken to a place call a crematory where it goes through a special process that reduces it to small particles resembling fine gray or white sand.
"A special process"?? Some people may call that "telling it like it is." I call it being evasive.
(Sorry, BobbyG. I don't have any words of advice - though my gut instinct would be to tell it like it is - though I would add the bit about emphasising that dead bodies don't feel pain.)
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"not quite sure how she explains his grandpa will be getting burnt!"
You're just lining them up for me Bobby...
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...You're just lining them up for me Bobby...
It took me a minute or two BBD, but I got there.
Bit like the fire brigade.
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To be honest, we all end up turning to dust eventually - does a 7 year old really need to know how a person they were close to gets there?
I mean, if they ask what it is, fair enough, but my great-grandmother died when I was 7 ( I was sitting on her lap with my sister having a story read to us when she had a heart attack ). I cant say it would have helped to know she was set on fire.
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Yes Bobby. It was a sad end to the first post on this subject.
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You might be interested in this book:
www.amazon.co.uk/Grandads-Ashes-Walter-Smith/dp/1843105179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1286567703&sr=1-1
Written by a chum of mine I admit but is aimed at this kind of scenario.
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This is one of those areas where old fashioned traditional religeons prepare children for such eventualities, by giving some comfort to the child that the deceased is going to a better place, made a lot of difference to my children when their grandfather died.
If i recall BG we are of the same faith, a proper funeral gives great comfort regardless of age is there a particular reason that the child will not be attending?
As a rule i wouldn't explain too much but if the child really wants to know the details then they deserve the truth explained as kindly as possible.
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Thanks for references and links so far.
BBD, you never fail to let me down...
GB, he knows about death, knows about heaven and the night his grandpa died (Thurs) he pointed to one of the stars and said that was his grandpa looking down on him.
Problem, if you can call it that, is he knows about people dying (In this case grandpa no longer in pain) and that dead people get buried in the cemetery that he walks past every day on his way to school.
But granpas wish was to cremated and that doesn't quite go in hand with what he understands about death so far. He is already asking about where his gravestone with his name will be.
Will check out those books and maybe visit the library. Might even have some literature at my work about it now that I think about it.
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When SWMBO's mum crossed the Styx last year, our eldest grandson was 7.
Of course, he knew his great gran had died and understood the concept of death, but I don't think the question of what happened to her afterwards came up.
He was told she had gone to be with the angels, with his younger cousin....he added the late cat to this and seemed satisfied that all was well.
I think this age group is likely to be a time when they worry and form images in their minds
Perhaps just say thet it's granpa's funeral tomorrow/whenever and leave it at that.
If the ashes are being interred in the ground then it's probably ok to say he's been buried, perhaps taking him to the 'grave ' at some point.
Ted
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You can't explain death, permanent absence of life, to a child in a non-frightening way. Or to an adult come to that. Some things just are a bit distressing and people can't be spared the distress. It's part of life so to speak.
Similarly, I don't agree with the quoted suggestion that 'frightening' words like fire and burn should be avoided when explaining cremation. They aren't frightening and they can't be avoided. It's just nonsense.
Children are often astonishingly matter-of-fact about things of this sort. Perhaps because they don't let themselves understand about absolute permanence (of death for example) until they are ready for it.
There's no harm in a bit of non-syrupy religion for those who can stomach it, provided of course the child is used to such discourse. But to introduce religious ideas for the first time when someone is suffering a trauma may be immoral.
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I'd take him to the cremation. Saying goodbye is important and he may later regret not having been given the chance to do so.
Whether you believe that death is final and absolute, or that there's an immortal portion that has gone elsewhere, a 7yo (as the youngest Beest is now) is well able to understand that Grandpa's body no longer contains the person he loved, and that cremation is merely a tidy and respectful way of disposing of the dead to leave room for the living.
The little Beests were too little to understand that when their Grandpa died, but their presence at the cremation was a great comfort to the rest of us. They still talk about him and say they're glad they were there - although one was in utero.
As AC says, death is scary and no amount of syrup will change that. Children, like the rest of us, need to face up to it. Tell him it's all right to be sad, and that being sad together is important for the family. He'll appreciate being trusted and treated the same as the grown-ups, and you'll be helping to set him up to deal with the ups and downs of life.
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We went throught this with my eldest daughter, aged 9 at the time, when my father in law passed away.
I explained to her what would happen, the most important part seemed to be that he wasn't in there anymore and had gone to be with nana. The fire part of it didn't scare her as I made sure she knew that he wasn't in there anymore before explaining what cremation was.
Kids should go to the service and cremation if thats what they want, on this occasion they do know whats best for them. Knowing what certain relatives are like Mrs Nut did not say that the kids would be attending until the family met the Vicar to arrange the service, avoided a lot of stress because the relatives who would be problematic accepted the vicars opinion but would have made a big deal of it otherwise. I would have made sure the kids went nomater what anybody said, but this way was better for all concerned.
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Indulge me - this is a wonderful (true) story: 30 or so years ago our sons were aged 8 and 10 and I joined a social club where kids were allowed on the billiards table. First time I took 'em there, couple of regulars sitting at bar, clearly very upset, had been to pet cemetery and had casket in shopping bag. I explained quietly to boys that their dog had died and they had collected the ashes. My 8 year old pointed out (in rather loud voice) sign on wall: "No dogs allowed in here". Couple looked up, while I looked for hole to vanish into, and thankfully they burst out laughing ..
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I have just been reading a biography of Winston Churchill. On one occasion he was visiting a badly blitzed area of the East End and saw a boy crying. On being asked the matter the boy replied that his grandfather had been burned. "Not too badly, I hope ?" replied Churchill.
"Oh yes" said the boy "they don't f*** about at the crematorian"
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I have always tried to be open and honest about these things with my kids, but they are all different, and they way you relay things needs to be tailored to the individual child.
A few years back my partners grandfather died after an extended period of dementia. The children knew that he had not been well for some time, and several spells in hospital had set the scene.
When he finally passed away I was honest with the two eldest children, and going to a church school were quite happy with their own version of events which was that granddad had left us and was now sat up on a cloud looking down while god looked after him. The following week we were outside the crematorium when my eldest who would have been about 5 pipes up with "where's granddad?" I reminded him that we had discussed that he was dead and this was how we were saying goodbye. With that the hearse pulls up to which he then follows up with "is granddad in that box then?" It raised a smile from a few of the assembled, but never led on to any further questions from him about the process.
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Sorry to hear the news... I think if I was a 7 year old I'd prefer not knowing the details so to speak. But don't lie etc.
I was near the river Styx for the past two weeks....
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Explaining Cremation to a child - Perky Penguin
