| Non-motoring > Tools | Miscellaneous |
| Thread Author: Zero | Replies: 5 |
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New Sat 13 Nov 21 19:24
Tools - Zero
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TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s***' ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing. TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a $2 part. HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity. b****** TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'b******' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. |
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New Sat 13 Nov 21 22:42
Tools - bathtub tom
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You missed off: Brake adjusting spanner. Has two different sized square holes, specifically designed to round off the square edges of brake adjusters. Drill bit. Designed to spin pop rivets. Haynes manual: Retain spring - PING, sodit, where did that go? Last edited by: bathtub tom on Sat 13 Nov 21 at 22:45
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New Sun 14 Nov 21 07:32
Tools - Manatee
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Slip joint plier - so often the tool of first resort and, some time later, of last resort. Now that my son is a householder, I was thinking of giving him a tool set. I just bought him a really good water pump plier for his birthday. It's already proved useful for several things it wasn't designed for. |
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New Mon 15 Nov 21 09:49
Tools - MD
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| b***** hilarious.............. |
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New Mon 15 Nov 21 23:07
Tools - Ted
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The grindstone on the bench grinder is excellent for providing heat as it sets fire to your woolly jumper while you are cleaning something with the wire brush at the other end. The wire brush can also provide an instant check for your pain threshold. I was cleaning a Jowett inlet valve when the brush grabbed it an sent it at about 30mph into my open right eye ! It probably hit me with mushroom end as the shaft would have destroyed my eyeball ! Doesn't bear thinking about ! I have now modified my position when having a grind and wear protection as well. (Oo-er Missus !) |
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New Tue 16 Nov 21 08:22
Tools - MD
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| You wish :-) |
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