Non-motoring > Terrible jokes thread. Miscellaneous
Thread Author: R.P. Replies: 250

 Terrible jokes thread. - R.P.
In response to popular demand (well one of you asked us) this is the new terrible joke thread.

Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 28 Feb 20 at 12:20
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
Just to keep everyone updated, i'm currently not too good at the moment. I've been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself (typical). What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I'm feeling ok but they said I should be out sometime in the Spring.......
 Terrible jokes thread. - tyrednemotional'd better be, someone will need the bed......
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Tell me it's ain't so!!!!


I refer you to

 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the M5. I eased my car over to the hard shoulder, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard naked men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before officers Dibble and Dribble pulled up behind me.

They got out of their car and started walking towards me. I could tell neither was a happy bunny.

’What’s going on here?’ Said Dibble

’My car has a flat tyre,’ I said calmly.

’Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him,

’HellOOOO, those are my emergency flashers!’.....
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I was stood in a queue of five folk at a supermarket checkout the other day with a big bag of dog biscuits, the woman behind me asked "do you have a dog as well"? I replied "no, but I'm going back on my dog-biscuit diet" You can't eat them"! she exclaimed, I replied "of course you can! they are complete nourishment! all you do is put a few in your pocket, and every time you feel peckish, just have a nibble". By now the whole queue was listening intently, so I continued, "last time I was on it for a month and I lost 3 stone, then I ended up in hospital". "Did you poison your self" she asked, I replied "no, I ran out into the road to sniff a labradors backside and got hit by a lorry" You should have seen her face!!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
I was at the back of a long queue at the supermarket the other day, so I coughed a few times and said to the wife, "This damn cold's got a lot worse since we came back from China".

Bang, queue scattered and straight to the front.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

Starting next Monday is Diarrhoea awareness week.....

Runs until Friday.
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
My wife thinks I should self-isolate.

I went out yesterday and bought fifteen cars.

She thinks I have car-owner virus.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> She thinks I have car-owner virus.

Better than buying loads of van aerials, and her thinking you have van aerial disease.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
After an enjoyable evening with my mates, I stumbled home at 03:00 this morning.

The Mrs was not amused: "Do you know what the time is?" she growled.

"Not this again!" I said. "It's easy, when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3...."

I think my bruises will disappear in a few days.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Went to the post office today, found ourselves at the back of a huge queue, " never get served" said the Wife, so in a loud voice I said to her "What do think of Kev then? has 10 great days in Teneriffe and all he brought me back is this bloomin cold!" - we ended up next in line!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Duncan
>> Went to the post office today, found ourselves at the back of a huge queue,
>> " never get served" said the Wife, so in a loud voice I said to
>> her "What do think of Kev then? has 10 great days in Teneriffe and all
>> he brought me back is this bloomin cold!" - we ended up next in line!

May I refer you to the post on Tuesday February 25th @ 14:45?
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Ah! so that's where I first heard/read it then! - apologies, I thought it was in the pub! ;-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
Be careful how you handle your old Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat Cole records. There's been a sharp increase in cases of croonervirus.
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
Saw a rusty old Corolla. D'yer think it had Corolla virus?
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
I popped into the chemist today and asked a lady "what do you recommend to kill the Corona Virus?"

She replied "Ammonia Cleaner"

"Oh, I am sorry" I said "I thought you were the Pharmacist"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
To deal with shortages resulting from the coronavirus scare, Waitrose are limiting customers to one lobster and 200 grams of foie gras each.
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
The Germans are preparing for possible shortages caused by the virus by stockpiling sausages and cheese. It's referred to as the Wurstkäse scenario.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I've heard that the Germans have now started laying their towels on hospital beds!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Was out for a short walk this evening, and on the way home decided to take the short-cut past the cemetery. Just as I entered it, two young girls called to ask me if I would walk them through it as they were scared of going through at night on their own, I said I would and off we all went, about halfway through one of the girls asked me if I was ever scared using it at night, I said I used to be when I was alive but it doesn't bother me now. Must have been trained by Usain Bolt!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
Self isolation (pinched from elsewhere).

"I am just going inside and may be some time."
 Terrible jokes thread. - CGNorwich
Police were called to a supermarket today after a fight broke out over loo roll. They calmed things down and one person was left with soft tissue damage.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
If you get a text message entitled "Ding Dong" DO NOT OPEN IT.

The Jehovahs Witnesses are working from home.
 Coronavirus - No FM2R
All countries will eventually get Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat.
 Coronavirus - Robin O'Reliant
I used to cough to cover my farts, now I fart to cover my coughs.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

The first patient to be treated with the new Dyson ventilator is responding well.

Dr's say he's picking up nicely.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Clk Sec
>> Dr's say he's picking up nicely.

Are you absolutely certain it was a Dyson?
 Terrible jokes thread. - legacylad
The government are asking anyone who’s been on benefits for at least 4 years to volunteer as an advisor to give advice to people on how to do FA and stay in
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Chinese chairman to head of security: "while you're here' open that case of Corona" - " NO you fool! I meant get us both a beer"!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
One of my teachers once told me that I wouldn't amount to anything if I didn't pay attention - yet here I am laid on my sofa saving the world!
 Terrible jokes thread. - legacylad
With stay at home in place, sadly my local boarding kennels have had to call in the retrievers
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Fourth week without sport now. I found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she's my wife.

She seems nice.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Well, That's me in Hospital

This has not been a good morning. After spending the last two weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horse riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horribly big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly but then we went a little faster, before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the stirrups and got dragged along....The horse just would not stop.
Thankfully the manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins off me so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant next.
 Terrible jokes thread. - MD
With respect to Jethro:-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
A short obituary to a father:

I suppose shutting the pubs was the final straw.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Sergeant Major: "Corporal Jones! I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!"

Corporal Jones: "Thank you sergeant!"
 The Golfer's Dilemma - No FM2R
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
Walking home from the pub last night I got accosted and mugged by 6 dwarves!

Not happy !!
Last edited by: Webmaster on Thu 23 Apr 20 at 12:40
 Terrible jokes thread - R.P.
:-0....What is this "pub" you speak of...:-)
Last edited by: Webmaster on Thu 23 Apr 20 at 12:40
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
If the CV19 lockdown is making you sad, just remember that Bill Clinton is locked down with Hillary!
 Terrible jokes thread - legacylad
What’s got 48 legs and 9 teeth ?

The queue outside Aldi
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
Dave, a pom, is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?" "Gee, that's the memory man" replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?" "Liverpool" came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking "Who did they beat?" "Leeds" replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking "What was the final score?" The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering "2-1".

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says "Ian St John".

Dave is stunned and returns home, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How" Dave says. The memory man squints at him and replies "A diving header in the six-yard box".
 Terrible jokes thread - Zero
 Terrible jokes thread - Kevin
A year later Dave is in Nevada again and wanders into the same bar.

"Hey Dave, nice to see you old buddy. You in town for long?" said the barman. "No Hank, just a week, I arrived yesterday." replied Dave.
After a few beers Dave says to Hank "Say, what does a guy do for entertainment around these parts, for female company like."

The barman serves another customer then comes back to Dave. "Well, you go down the MH, that's the Main Highway. You get to the IR, that's the Indian Reservation, you find yourself a IS, that's an Indian Squaw, you go in the WW, that's the Wigwam and you have a GF, that's a - well you get the picture." Dave thanks him, settles his bill and leaves the bar.

The following night Hank is behind the bar again when the door opens and a guy hobbles in. His right leg and left arm are in plaster and he's supporting himself with a crutch. He's wearing a neck brace and a bandage covers the top of his head. He struggles to the bar and sits down.

"Jesus! Is that you Dave? Were you in a car wreck or something?" "No mate, I did exactly as you said. I went down the MH, that's the Main Highway, I got to the IR, thats the Indian Reservation, I got myself a real pretty IS, that's Indian Squaw, we went into the WW and just about to have a GF when in walks an FBI." "You mean the Federal Bureau of Investigation?" "No, a Flipping Big Indian!"
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
Indian squaw, looking at puny naked white man says "How!".
 Terrible jokes thread - bathtub tom
A US clergyman has died after injecting himself with disinfectant.
Trump's been accused of

Bleach of the priest.
 Terrible jokes thread - tyrednemotional
A man in Saudi Arabia has recently been caught stealing hand sanitiser........ Ironically, he won't need it now.....
 Terrible jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Donald Trump has traced the source of Covid 19. The FBI have arrested Batman.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Wife comes home from shopping to find her husband stalking around the living room with a fly-swatter,

Amused she enquires "got any?"

"yep 5" he replies, "three males and two females"!

"how can you tell the difference?" she asks,

"Easy! three were on the beer can, and two were on the 'phone!
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
This is not funny. Please do not laugh at the misfortune of others.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
A man dies and his wife is arranging the funeral. She gets a visit from the funeral director and is going through the details. She explains that she they have no children and that her husband had been a successful businessman.
“Please arrange for a premium service and budget is not a priority. I want to give my husband the best send-off that you can organise” said the widow.

Two days later she received a call from the funeral home to say that her husband was ready for viewing. The widow arrived at the funeral home and was taken into the place of rest. She spent some time with her husband and upon leaving the room was met by the funeral director.

“Is everything to your satisfaction?” asked the director.

“Thank you, yes” said the widow. “You have done a beautiful job, and my husband looks to be comfortably asleep. I will treasure this moment forever”

“That is always our aim said the funeral director. Your happiness is our priority” said the director.

“However,” said the widow, “there is one small point that I would like to change. It is my mistake and not yours so I will accept the additional costs. My husband wore a dark blue suit throughout his whole working life, and you have put him in a grey suit. I would like you to change that”.

“Of course, we will do that immediately” replied to the director.

The next day the widow returned for the final viewing. Upon leaving the room she told the director, “That is how I will remember my dear husband until the day we are reunited. I cannot thank you enough”

A few weeks after the funeral the widow received the invoice from the Funeral home. She read the invoice and called the funeral home. “I have received you bill and there is an error on it. You will remember that I asked you to change my husbands’ suit. It was my fault and I am willing to pay for both suits” said the widow.

“Please don’t worry yourself about this matter” said the Director. The bill is correct. We incurred no additional costs and therefor your invoice is correct”

“That is very kind of you, but how that that be?” asked the widow. “you used two suits and so I should really be charged for both”

“The bill is correct” said the director. “We had a bit of luck, the gentleman in the next room was dressed in a dark blue suit, and his family didn’t care what he was buried in. So, all we did was swapped heads”.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Me "As I get older, all I need in life is a Specsavers, a Boots and a Greggs".

Mrs Z "Yep, life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite

Lucky bu**er!!!
 Terrible jokes thread. - CGNorwich
What borders on the stupid?

Canada and Mexico.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Awww, did you delete my joke which contained absolutely no rude words whatsoever?
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Went to the toga shop on the way to the forum.

Asked for XXXL, the store owner said “why do you want that many!”

I’ll get my toga!
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
At the moment l am self isolating so they sent someone round to do my shopping for me, l had to spend some time training them on how l shop and they said that they hadn’t ever shop lifted before.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I cleaned the TV screen today with an anti-viral wipe, I seem to have lost the BBC channel!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Dog
Um gonna try it on me wireless.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
It's been a really odd day.

First, I found a hat full of money.

Then I was chased by an angry bloke with a guitar!
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
At a small garden party yesterday...

5 year old: do dragons fart fire?

22 year old cousin : I don’t know, but they do breath fire!

5 year old: Audible huff ! I thought you went to university!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
My mate suggested yesterday that if the Gov had given everyone over 18 £1m, they would have only spent £60billion instead of the est £500bn they have upto now! - they could have killed many birds with one stone like stop the welfare sys, therefore virtually ending commercial immigration, saving £bn's, there would be no poverty related problems etc and the economy would have bounced with the new found wealth. The Gov would probably recouped it all in the first 12 months after lockdown! ;-)

Made me chuckle, and i can see the positives! - if he were in politics I'd be tempted to vote for him! ;-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
>> My mate suggested yesterday that if the Gov had given everyone over 18 £1m, they
>> would have only spent £60billion instead of the est £500bn they have upto now! -

Your friend is using the million, millions representation of a billion - e.g. £1,000,000,000,000 and £60 billion would be £60e13.

The Govt's £500bn is £500,000,000,000 or £5e11 and is 120th of your friend's £60bn. Split between 60 million people it would be just over £8k each.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero

>> Made me chuckle, and i can see the positives! - if he were in politics
>> I'd be tempted to vote for him! ;-)

Good job he aint, had he done that, inflation would have sky rocketed, your million would be worthless in a year.

Good job his maths his sheit.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant

Ancient slang for the village idiot who couldn't hunt, fish or ride.
 Terrible jokes thread. - neiltoo
Shops in Wales have been given the go ahead to open next week.

In preparation for this, shopkeepers have been brushing up on their selective inability to speak English.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Dog
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring.

He's decided to stick it out for another year.

 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Liverpool have won the league and the government are paying people not to work.

Somewhere out there is a Scouser with a lamp wondering what his last wish will be.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
Man goes into a bar and orders 10 vodkas. He empties the first and the last on the floor and drinks his way through the remaining eight. The bartender asks him why he discarded the two. He says, "Because the first always tastes awful and the last always makes me sick".

(From The Hungarian film "Kontrol".)
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
So I work in a Goldsmiths up in North Yorkshire and last week an older gentleman from Barnsley walks in, flat cap and all and asks “can tha mek us a gold statue of me whippet?”
Possibly, do ya want it Eighteen Carrot?” I ask

“Nah, lad” he replies “chewin a bone’ll be fine”
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
A Polish guy goes in to Specsavers for an eye test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied "I know the guy".
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Grandad had to go into a home.
I rang the day after to check on things.
Nurse said 'He's like a fish out of water I'm afraid'.
'Ah,' I said, 'Not adjusting well then'.
'No,' she said, 'he's dead'.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery managing directors decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's MD sits down and says "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona". The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's MD says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one.

Coors' MD says "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke". The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness MD replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I".
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
So a car pulls up against the kerb and the driver leans out of the window to a little boy playing with his trike.

Driver "I'll give you these sweets and £10 if you come with me kid"

Boy "No, it's ok"

Driver "OK, I'll make it £20"

Boy "No way!"

Driver, getting frustrated now, "How about £50"

Boy "No, and stop pestering me, I'm playing"

Driver "Last chance £100 and a months supply of sweets"

Little Boy "Look Dad, I'm not getting in, you brought the Berlingo, now live with it!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Many years ago I went on a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.

It started with a quiche.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Duncan
Please explain.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Lygonos
>> Please explain
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk in to a bar.

The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Oh. Dear. God.

I'll get your coat.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
>> Oh. Dear. God.
>> I'll get your coat.

chuck him out without it.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Jeez that took a while to click.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk in to a bar.

They all said “ouch” who left that there?
 Terrible jokes thread. - neiltoo
I woke up this morning to find a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
I couldn't get a face to face consultation, but on the phone the triage nurse told me to put a dressing on it.
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
"Doctor doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bottom."

"I'll give you some cream for it"

 Terrible jokes thread. - Bromptonaut



 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains".

"Pull yourself together, man".
 Terrible jokes thread. - Lygonos
Guy came into the surgery with a steering wheel stuck to the front of his trousers.

"It's driving me nuts"
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Guy goes to the doctors wearing only a t-shirt.

Doctor says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Farmer goes to the vet with one of his pigs that has developed a rash.

The vet gave him some oinkment to put on it.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Manatee
Fellow consulted his GP as he was having trouble when urinating. As well as coming out of the end, it was escaping from several other orifices in the member.

Doctor, while making notes: “I’m going to refer you to my brother”.

Patient: “Is he a urologist?”

Doctor: “No, he’s a piccolo player. He’ll show you how to hold it”.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase
My new window cleaner is useless. I can't recommend him, so avoid Mr Bit.

 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase
I pass this on without comment, from Mrs C.

What's a chiropodist's favourite flavour of crisps?

Cheese and bunion.

 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

Cue Monty Phyton, we lived in a pothole jokes.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
“I’m learning the hokey cokey.

Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Bromptonaut
>> Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

On a serious note the opportunity that leads to success can be a matter of right place/right time.

My father succeeded as a partner in a business importing dyes and chemicals for the textile industry. The opportunity arose because he was employed by another business at exactly the time it decided to be UK agent for one rather than two European manufacturers. He also had immediate colleagues of like mind and who, as a team, had the backing, contacts and skills to make it work.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
>>On a serious note the opportunity that leads to success can be a matter of right place/right time.

I think it almost always is. It's just the amount of wrong places / wrong times you have to put yourself in before the one that finally clicks.

You've got to kiss a lot of frogs, even if you are a princess.
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
A South Africa a Department of Tourism clean-up crew recently found over 200 dead crows off and along N2 near Cape Town and there was concern that they may have died from some sort of Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian related. The cause of death in fact appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Department of Safety then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
>> The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine
>> can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

And you have the gall to criticise my jokes!!! ;-D
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
My jokes are genius, yours are a shame on all of us. As any fule kno.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
People laugh at us in the Flat Earth Society, but we have members all round the globe.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Surely if the Earth is flat then a 2m social distancing policy is going to push some people over the edge?
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
A guy is out shooting ducks but having a terrible time. Four hours and he hasn't managed to hit a thing. Just before he goes home he takes one last shot, and bingo, he finally gets one.

The duck glides down and falls in the yard of a nearby farm. The guy goes up to the gate and is starting to climb over when the angry farmer appears. "What the hell are you doing, this is private property, get out" shouts the farmer.

The guy explains that he has just shot a duck which landed in the yard and he is just going to retrieve it.

The farmer replies, "I don't care if you did, this is my property and you can't come in here. In any case, if the duck landed here it is now mine, so clear off".

The guy insists it is his duck because he shot it and he won't leave without it. A furious debate follows till in the end the farmer says, "I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll kick each other in the testicles and carry on doing it till one of us gives up, and the winner will keep the duck. The only condition is that I get first kick as we are on my land".

The guy thinks about it for a while and finally agrees as he really wants his duck. So he stands legs apart while the farmer aims a hefty kick between his legs. The pain is excruciating, he collapses screaming in agony and nearly passes out. It is an hour and a half before he is able to stand again, and another half hour before he has recovered enough to walk. He takes a few practice swings, feels ok and says to the farmer, "Ok, now it's my turn", getting ready to land the most powerful kick of his life.

The farmer says, "Forget it, you can have the duck".
Last edited by: Robin O'Reliant on Wed 2 Sep 20 at 19:41
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
A man answers his front door and there's a policeman standing there holding a photo.

"Is this your wife, sir?" says the policeman.

Shocked, the man says "Yes, it is".

The policeman says "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

"Yeah I know" says the man "but she's great in bed and she's good with the kids".
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
A question from junior ant to his dad
" Why do we not get the Corona virus ?"
Reply " Because we have anty bodies."
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Boris Johnson dies...His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson.
“I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules. "And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years.......The whole of the "Right" was there. .
Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!" Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity. "With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends. "So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar....drank cocktails.
We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us"
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Last time I heard that joke it was related to R/3 demos versus deliveries.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
Research by a group of academics has now confirmed that the mortality rate for women who have put on weight during Covid Lockdown is much less than that of men who mention it.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Borrowed off Facebook this morning:

Kier Starmer asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Kier Starmer then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?" Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother? The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered "That would be me." "Yes, very good!" Said the Queen. Ah ha I get it said Starmer, thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left. Starmer went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question. "Diane, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one." She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer. Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and met Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question." "Yes Diane" replied Nigel. "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Farage immediately answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Abbott grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!" Abbott then, went back to find Starmer and said to him; "Kier, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle." "If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!" Starmer went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott, and yelled in her face, "No! You b***** idiot! It's Prince Charles! . . . . . . . . . . . .
 Terrible jokes thread. - maltrap
The only problem with that joke is that it implies that prince Charles is intelligent !

That is a joke in itself.
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President:
"This morning, three Brazilian people died from Covid-19."
Trump's face went white with shock, the blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.
Minutes passed and, to everyone’s relief, the President got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.
His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sat, head in hands.
Finally, the President looked up and with a shaky quivering voice asked Dr Fauci, "
How many people is a brazillion?"
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Needed cash yesterday, so went to the bank, there was a queue at the ATM so popped inside and found myself 2nd in a line of 6. The old lady in front of me reached the teller and asked for a tenner out of her acc, she was told that due to C19 for withdrawals less than £100 she had to use the ATM outside. the old lady explained she had left her card at home and would have to get her cash the old - fashioned way. The teller told (telled?) her rules are rules, she would have to get her card or withdraw £100, whats the max i can withdraw? she asked, £3000 in cash at the moment due to c19 restrictions the teller replied. I want £3000 out then said old lady and at least £100 in £10 pound notes please, the teller counted out her money and pushed it to her under the screen. The old lady peeled 1£10 note off the top of the pile and pushed the rest back under the screen, Now i want to deposit £2990 into my account please, before the teller could answer she added - well you started being bloomin awkward

Moral: Don't mess with us oldies!!!
 Essex Girl - Zero
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....
The third man married a girl from Basildon.. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything.
The second day he didn't see anything either.
But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates....
 Essex Girl - Bromptonaut
What does an Essex girl use for protection when copulating?

A bus shelter....
 Essex Girl - smokie
Oi Zero!! My daughter was born in Basildon (though we lived in Billericay at the time! Wife is an Essex girl too...

There was one about Kit Kats and Essex girls but not for here...
 Essex Girl - No FM2R
What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 130?


p.s. I still have Billericay Dickie on my playlist.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Wed 30 Sep 20 at 19:59
 Essex Girl - Robin O'Reliant
What does an Essex girl say after sex?

"Which team do you guys play for?"
 Essex Girl - CGNorwich
Aren’t jokes based on the misonogystic idea that girls from Essex are somehow stupid and sexually promiscuous just a little bit tiresome?
 Essex Girl - No FM2R
Ah, so you subscribe to the theory that everything anybody does must be approved of by everybody else?

Of course Essex girl jokes are not politically correct. I don't even think that they are very funny these days. But I remember when they were entertaining.

Fortunately it is no longer compulsory to read something you don't like, so that should help.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Thu 1 Oct 20 at 15:40
 Essex Girl - CGNorwich
>> Ah, so you subscribe to the theory that everything anybody does must be approved of
>> by everybody else?

No and nor did I say anythigng remotely resembling that.

>> Fortunately it is no longer compulsory to read something you don't like, so that should
>> help.

Indeed, an option that is of course equally open to you.
 Essex Girl - No FM2R
>> an option that is of course equally open to you.

I am aware, but the stuff you write generally amuses me. At worst it's an opportunity for stress release.
 Essex Girl - Bromptonaut
>> Aren’t jokes based on the misonogystic idea that girls from Essex are somehow stupid and
>> sexually promiscuous just a little bit tiresome?

Is it even misogyny? A stereotype for sure and if it was racial it would be an issue but to be honest it could be anywhere. I suspect in Manchester it'd be Scouse girls; and probably vice versa.
Last edited by: Bromptonaut on Thu 1 Oct 20 at 15:51
 Essex Girl - CGNorwich

>> Is it even misogyny? A stereotype for sure and if it was racial it would
>> be an issue but to be honest it could be anywhere. I suspect in Manchester
>> it'd be Scouse girls; and probably vice versa.

It probably would but it wouldnt be Manchester men or Scouser men would it? It is interesting that the thes jokes told by men feature a typer of behaviour, out for a good time, sexually promiscuous etc, that is seen as desirable and to be applauded when carried out by men but deemed as unnacceptable and rather threatening to the male status quo when carried out by women.

Presumably from your comment if you subtstitute "Essex" with "black" you would have an issue with these jokes. Dont you find that to be just a little curious?

 Essex Girl - No FM2R
>>It probably would but it wouldnt be Manchester men or Scouser men would it? It is interesting that the thes jokes told by men feature a typer of behaviour, out for a good time, sexually promiscuous etc, that is seen as desirable and to be applauded when carried out by men but deemed as unnacceptable and rather threatening to the male status quo when carried out by women.

I think you are laying your own motivations and thought processes over the behaviours of others, and then deciding you don't like it.

I don't have any difference in my moral or behavioural standards which depend upon the gender of a person.
 Essex Girl - CGNorwich
I think you are perhaps missing the point. Just take a look at a joke of this type, perhaps the one you posted, and ask yourself what actually makes it funny when applied to women and not men.

I’m not questioning your behavioural standards.
 Essex Girl - No FM2R
I don't think that it would be any more or less funny were it a different county or a man. Pick your favourite stereotype. Many, perhaps most, jokes require a 'butt' for the humour. Down here it is usually young Argentinian males, Spain uses the Portuguese, men and women, and the Portuguese return the favour, . the French use the Belgian, the Belgian use the Dutch and so on and so forth.

Some jokes can be offensive, mostly when they're taken too far. Most subjects can be joked about.

Still, I think that's enough, don't you?
 Essex Girl - Bromptonaut
>> the French use the
>> Belgian, the Belgian use the Dutch and so on and so forth.

That reminds me of a conversation with Frenchman on the Hebrides ferry a couple of years ago. There were a couple of Americans (California) there as well and the subject turned to driving on the 'wrong'side of the road The Frenchman leaned to the right, stretched both arms out and made motions like holding a steering wheel - A Belgian driving in the UK he said. I believe the French Belgians use their Flemish compatriots rather than citizens of the Netherlands.

For the English of course the Irish are the butt for those sort of jokes. In Ireland it's said to people from County Kerry.

Who do Kerrymen tell jokes about?
 Essex Girl - Zero
>> Aren’t jokes based on the misonogystic idea that girls from Essex are somehow stupid and
>> sexually promiscuous just a little bit tiresome?

Who gives a shiesse
 Essex Girl - CGNorwich
>> >> Aren’t jokes based on the misonogystic idea that girls from Essex are somehow stupid
>> and
>> >> sexually promiscuous just a little bit tiresome?
>> Who gives a shiesse

Well evidently not you.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Day 61 of the quarantine.

I was watching replays of the World Cup.

My wife called out from the kitchen and said "Do you have a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll and is stabbing it in the chest?"

"No" I said.

She replied "How about now?"
Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 2 Oct 20 at 02:28
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Now *that* was funny.

Is this a new trend for your jokes?
Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 2 Oct 20 at 02:29
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Courtesy my niece's daughter, age 5;

What do 5:00am and a pig's tale have in common?

They're both twirly.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Fri 2 Oct 20 at 05:21
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
For some reason Gary Barlow has stopped following me on Twitter. Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it...
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

I've just heard my window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house...

I think he's lost his rag.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
A man dies and goes to heaven. As he is standing at the pearly gates he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

"What are those clocks for ?" he asks.

"Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie the hands on their clocks move"

"Oh" says the man "whose clock is that?" he says pointing.

"That's Mother Teresa's clock" says St Peter, "its hands have never moved"

"Wow" says the man "and who's clock is that?

"That's Abraham Lincolns clock, it's hands have only moved twice" says St Peter

"Where's Boris Johnson's clock?" asks the man

"Oh we're using that one as a ceiling fan" replies St Peter.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
The wife said she wanted some quiet whilst cooking dinner tonight.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms!

I'll be out of hospital next week.
 Terrible jokes thread. - R.P.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Blooming ridiculous folk! - letting fireworks off already, it's only just into October!
Scared my cat so much it ran up our Christmas tree!

Had some folk banging on the door last evening shouting "Track n Trace", - It's not Halloween till the end of the month!
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
How to test yourself for Coronavirus:
Step 1: Pour a glass of wine and try to smell it.
Step 2: if you can smell the wine then drink some and see if you can taste it
Step 3: if you can smell and taste it, you can confirm you don’t have coronavirus

Last night I did the test 9 times, and all were negative thank god. Tonight I’m going to do the test again though, because I woke up this morning with a headache and I feel like I’m coming down with something.
 Terrible jokes thread. - wotspur
Pre COVID I went out to a +50’s singles night ,which was a disco to music from the 60/70/80’s , it was great fun and I got talking to a lovely lady . After a few drinks we hit the dance floor . Then we returned to the table and in general conversation she told me about her family two girls 20 and 22 and how she hated her job . Coming towards the end of the night things got a bit more heavy and during the last dance , she whispered into my ear , I really like you and I’m in need of some attention , would you like to come back to my place .
Wow , wel be rude not too ! As we walked the 10 minutes back , she said to me have you ever had a threesome , and would you be interested .
Wow,wow wow ,all my Chrismases had come early . We crashed thru the door and I was shown where the lounge was , as she went to make herself more comfortable ,as she came back into the lounge to find me naked and ready for some 3 way action , she shouted up the stairs , ... “Mum , are you still up “
 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase
I'm reminded of this Abba song...

 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
From Giles Brandreth on Ainsley Harriot's cooking show...

"I gave up with blenders, we used to have a blender and then when one of the children's hamsters died I discovered my wife had put it through the blender because she'd read somewhere that the remains of a hamster mulched would be marvellous in the garden."

"There's a song about it you know....."

"You get tulips from Hamster Jam"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Bromptonaut
>> "You get tulips from Hamster Jam"

Remember that being told at Menston Junior School c1970
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
I remember a punch line of "you get two licks of hamster jam" can't remember the preamble tho. Thankfuly probably
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
A Politician dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, St Peter lets him in and shows him to a room with hundreds of clocks on the walls, all telling different times and running at different speeds.

"Wait here" instructs St Peter, "Whilst we review your life and set your clock".

"what are all these clocks"? asks the Politician.

"Well these clocks show how many lies they have told to their Constituents in the course of their lives, - the faster they go, the more lies they have told" He explains.

After a good look around at the various clocks, He asks St Peter " where is Boris Johnson's clock"?

St Peter replies "I'm using that one in my office, - as a ceiling fan!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Dog
>>A Politician dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates

See: Fri 9 Oct 20 16:13

 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
>>A Politician dies...

A case of deja vu:
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Oops! - sorry Chaps! ;-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - tyrednemotional
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Wife gets new computer turns to husband and says

"I need to put in a new password"

"MY WILLY" says husband

"Computer says Its too short"
Last edited by: Zero on Thu 5 Nov 20 at 10:06
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
>> "Computer says Its too short"

1992 called and wants its joke back!

 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Shame we don't have an "extremely terrible jokes" thread for that one ;)
Last edited by: VxFan on Thu 5 Nov 20 at 11:18
 Terrible jokes thread. - Stuartli
Well this is probably just as terrible (it's been around for a few years!):

I needed a new password with eight characters, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
I wanted to use Fortnight but apparently it's too weak.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Apparently you can’t use “ beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Computer: Choose a password

Me: hi-hat

Computer: Password cannot contain symbols
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Here’s a Rick Astley on passwords...

* Never going to give you out
* Never going to write you down
* Never going to run around and reuse you
 Terrible jokes thread. - tyrednemotional
...can a mod revoke his password, PLEASE!

 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
I'm sorry my fault.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I use "incorrect" as my password- if I ever forget it the computer tells me what it is.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
> I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Only six dwarfs since Lockdown #1. They had to comply with Rule of Six and Sneezy got the push.
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
No nativity this year because the three wise men face a travel ban
The shepherds have been furloughed
The inn keeper has closed under lockdown regulations
Santa won’t be working as he’d break the rule of 6, with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen
As for Rudolph, with that red nose he should be isolating and taking a test

 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
>No nativity this year because the three wise men face a travel ban

Let's hope that it also discourages all those who festoon their house and garden with multicoloured lights.

Last year returning home from the pub I turned into the road leading to our house and I was blinded by flashing blue and red lights straight in front of me. In a panic, I threw my spliff out the window, spilled my brandy trying to get it back in the cup holder and nearly went off the road trying to kick my last gram of toot under the seat. I thought it was the damn cops! All because some idiot had a gazillion watts of Christmas lights outside their house.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
After endless negotiations with North and South Korea, Trump remarked that East and West Korea must be much more peaceful as he never hears from them.
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
And on the Trump theme... These US election results are taking longer to come out than Phillip Schofield
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
You may think that people who sell meat are gross, but people who sell fruit and vegetable are grosser.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Timeonmyhands
The Yorkshire Ripper has died, police are looking for a man with a Geordie accent.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> The Yorkshire Ripper has died

That’s a bit of a hammer blow.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Fullchat
Filter gone into overdrive.
Last edited by: Fullchat on Fri 13 Nov 20 at 20:10
 Terrible jokes thread. - Fullchat
Peter Sutcliffe goes to heaven. St Peter was standing at the gate and asks his name.
"I'm Peter Sutcliffe."
St Peter says, "You'll have to wait there God wants a word with you."
God arrives and says to Sutcliffe, " You killed 13 women on earth"
He pulls out a hammer and hits him on the head knocking him to the ground where he hits him another 12 times then kicks him in the family jewels.
"Ok, I get why you hit me 13 times but why kick me in the nuts as well?"
"That's for telling everyone I told you to do it."
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
God one FC, I've nicked that.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Leeds Utd are to hold 2 minutes silence for Peter Sutcliffe tonight, as he was the best attacker they've ever had.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
So a dog pops in to the Post Office and walks up to the counter.

"How much to send a telegram?" he asks the clerk.

"£1" replies the clerk, for "10 words" and hands the dog a form.

The dog fills out the form thus: "Woof, woof, woof woof woof, woof, woof woof woof"

The dog hands back the form to the clerk who says "You only have 9 woofs, you could add another for free!"

The dog replies, "Nah, if I did that the message would be gibberish!"
Last edited by: zippy on Thu 19 Nov 20 at 02:23
 Terrible jokes thread. - Bromptonaut
>> So a dog pops in to the Post Office and walks up to the counter.

I read that first as a dog poops in the Post Office......
 Terrible jokes thread. - John Boy
>> >> So a dog pops in to the Post Office and walks up to the
>> counter.
>> I read that first as a dog poops in the Post Office......
So did I, but I put it down to the fact that I'd just read Bathtub Tom's post about a dog which had been fed brussel sprouts.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> I read that first as a dog poops in the Post Office......

Could that count as a 2nd class drop off.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
So Bob and Sally, both now retired are sitting having dinner when Sally pipes up....

"Bob, if I die, would you remarry right away?"

Bob replies "Oh, honey, what a thing to discuss over dinner!"

Sally can't leave it and asks again the next day and gets the same reply.

She asks again the day after, and gets the same reply.

This goes on for several days and Bob is getting a little fed up so next time Sally asks he says "Yes, yes I would remarry!"

Sally replies, "Right away?"

Bob, "No, I would leave a respectable time."

Sally asks "Would you sell the house?"

Bob, "No, I like it here and the house is done up just fine."

Sally, "Would you sell our bed?"

Bob, "No, it's a fine bed and has got many years left in it."

Sally, "What about my golf clubs?"

Bob, "Of course, she's right handed!"

Strangely, Bob died first.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
I feel that you might be focussing too much on the word "Terrible" and not enough on the word "jokes" in the title of this thread.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Runfer D'Hills
What is alternately black and white, and makes random shrieking noises?

A penguin falling downstairs...
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Not a nun?
 Terrible jokes thread. - Runfer D'Hills
Protestant version.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish".
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue"?
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely satisfied, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned: It will not rise again for another year".

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for"...?
 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
I went for my usual walk down the bridleway this morning and Mrs K had asked me to call at the shop on my way back to buy some fresh chilli peppers for tonight's dinner.
Outside the store was a gorgeous young blonde who stopped me and whispered in my ear that she would love to have sex with me. In return I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I have high moral standards and strong willpower...
Almost as strong as Cillit Bong, the super strength bathroom cleaner that wipes away the dirt in a single wipe. Now available with the scent of lemon.
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
" cracker jokes " from the BBC news

What is Dominic Cummings’s favourite Christmas song? Driving Home For Christmas.

How do you play Dominic Cummings in Monopoly?
Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like and never Go To Jail.

? Did you hear production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf-isolate!

? Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

? Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

? Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the ‘Arrrr!’ rate had risen.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
There's a TV programme on tonight about Covid19.

Don't worry if you miss it though, you might be able to catch it later.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Desk Sargent: "What have you arrested him for?"

Cop: "He shot an unarmed black guy"

Desk Sargent: "Ok, impersonating a police officer"
 Terrible jokes thread. - tyrednemotional
During the pandemic, many airline staff have been laid-off, and are looking for work to tide them over.

A local pilot has taken up painting and decorating, so I asked him to do the upstairs.

I got a perfect landing!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
He didn't take off and runway with your money then?
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 14 Dec 20 at 10:46
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
... or disappear mid-job to do some taxiing
 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner and meet her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he's never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Called in at the motorway services, went in the shop and picked up a bottle of water, a chocolate bar and a bag of crisps. I said to the cashier "I'm sorry I only have a £50.00 note"

She replied, "You better put the crisps back then"
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
A friend of mine works as a pilot for a major airline company, but at the moment he's been furloughed.

As he's a dab hand at DIY he thought he'd try and earn a bit of extra money doing some decorating jobs.

I said I needed a few bits doing here and there, so he popped round one afternoon with his paint and brushes. I can't vouch for all his work, but he's made a lovely job of the landing.

He's just hoping his new business venture will eventually take off.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Deja Vu, recent too. Hey Maybe I'm a poet but dont know it.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> Deja Vu, recent too.

Apologies. I did a search beforehand as well.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Haywain
Shamelessly stolen from Telegraph comments before it was taken down by moderators .......

Here's a light hearted post. Enjoy as I doubt it will last long.

Trump dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero

>> Here's a light hearted post. Enjoy as I doubt it will last long.

Clearly you have some kind of zippy paranoia, thought that was quite funny and relatively harmless
 Terrible jokes thread. - Haywain
"Clearly you have some kind of zippy paranoia, thought that was quite funny and relatively harmless"

Sorry, no paranoia - I literally copied the whole piece, including that bit, from the Telegraph website. Sure enough, shortly afterwards, the comment had vanished.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Stuartli
Bumped into Bonnie Tyler earlier and she asked if I fancied a coffee?

I said: "Starbucks"? She said: "No".

"Costa"? Still said: "No".

I think she was holding out for a Nero.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
I am fed up with my Bonnie Tyler satnav.
It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart.

 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on eBay.
It's awful, every now and then it falls apart.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
So I've been using my U2 SatNav for a few weeks now and I'm fed up.
The Streets Have No Name and I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
 Terrible jokes thread. - helicopter
Wetherspoons have apparently offered to help the government during lockdown by using their premises to provide shelter to the homeless, disadvantaged, underprivileged,unemployed and pensioners....

Basically they want their old clientele back.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Children's BBC are going to show "Jaws" backwards.

It's a heart warming tale about a shark who swims round putting limbs on disabled people.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
A dozen Liverpool lads were at the pearly gates, ready to enter heaven.

St. Peter sauntered over. "I'm afraid we are nearly full. We can only take one of you".

The guys were not pleased about this.

St. Peter could sense their anguish and tried to calm things. "I'll tell you what guys; it's getting late. I'll report to God and get back to you in the morning. By then you will have things worked out, I promise".

The next morning St. Peter went to the entrance. What he saw shocked him. He ran to god. "God... they are gone, they've gone!" "What! All twelve of them?" "No, no, God... the Pearly Gates!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - CGNorwich
It’s a not very well known fact that Charles Dickens’ Novel A Tale of Two Cities was first serialised in the local papers of two small Midland Towns.

It was the Bicester Times , It was the Worcester Times
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
>> It’s a not very well known fact that Charles Dickens’ Novel A Tale of Two
>> Cities was first serialised in the local papers of two small Midland Towns.
>> It was the Bicester Times , It was the Worcester Times

Love this joke. Shared repeatedly.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Bromptonaut
>> Love this joke. Shared repeatedly.

 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
All UK car dealerships have now re-opened apart from BMW.

A spokesman was asked when they would re-open, but they gave no indication.
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
Customer went into an Inuit restaurant and asked for the menu
The waiter said " We do not have a lot of options so I will call them out for you"
" We have whale meat steaks"
" We have whale meat curry"
" We have whale meat stir fry"
" and of coure we have the Vera Lynn "

The customer enquired " what is a Vera Lynn ?"
The waiter replied " Whale meat again"
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop!

Fortunately for me the lorry had exceedingly good brakes.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
It was the lads birthday so I took him to the pub.

(For those of a more senior and forgetful nature who frequent these parts - a pub is a social drinking establishment that sells alcoholic beverages.)

I bought him a larger but he didn't like it and to avoid wasting it I had to drink it.

Of course, he couldn't not have a drink, so I bought him a bitter, but the fussy think didn't like that either and again I had to finish it off.

I then thought I know, a Guinness, full of flavour, but nope, not his thing. I enjoyed it though.

Well beers certainly aren't his thing so I got him a cider. Same again, and I had to finish it off.

I was getting a little perplexed and thought, I know, I'll try him on something stronger. He wasn't interested in the shot of Jack or Jim but they warmed me up a bit.

In desperation I forked out on a good 21 year old Glenfiddich but the ungrateful so and so turned his nose up at that too so again I had to do the final honours.

Anyway, by now, I was feeling a bit tipsy and decided to call time on our expedition to the pub and take the lad home.

I'll tell you though, after all that drinking, it was hard work pushing his stroller all the way up the hill to home!
Last edited by: zippy on Tue 2 Mar 21 at 16:34
 Terrible jokes thread. - Dog
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live forever. What can I do?"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"And will I live forever?"

"No, but the desire will disappear ."
 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase
Crikey, Dog, what's that from? Reader's Digest 1950, just under "I Am John's Thyroid"?
 Terrible jokes thread. - Dog
Day after day love turns grey like the skin on a dying man.
Night after night we pretend it's all right, but I have grown older
and you have grown colder and nothing is very much fun anymore.

I can feel one of my turns coming on :)
 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase

>> I can feel one of my turns coming on :)

As you like. I'll stay comfortably numb.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
The Queen is newly single.

Bill Gates is getting divorced.

I n t e r e s t i n g!

 Terrible jokes thread. - Kevin
Apparently she's going to be taking a break from official duties.
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
Wife.exe has unexpectedly terminated. Press any key to continue ...

I think she was just fed up with him being in the Office365 days a year
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
>> Wife.exe has unexpectedly terminated. Press any key to continue ...
>> I think she was just fed up with him being in the Office365 days a
>> year

They haven't Excelled at their relationship have they.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase

>> They haven't Excelled at their relationship have they.

That's no reason to spreadsheet about them.
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
The Word is he started out as a bit of a DOSser
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
As Homer says "DIR"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Crankcase
Stop it. You're doing my EDLIN.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> Stop it. You're doing my EDLIN.

Sounds like you need some fresh air to clear your head.

Open Windows.
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS

>> They haven't Excelled at their relationship have they.

It’s a Teams effort, so I’ll cut them some slack...

I gather she’s keeping the house, but he wants the Windows
 Terrible jokes thread. - Manatee
Very ordinary house, only one drive, but it has a lovely vista.
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
Ah yes, of Palo Alt Tab
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Screened by Blue Azaleas, alas now mostly dead.
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
She's been defenestrated.
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
>>> I gather she’s keeping the house, but he wants the Windows

Windows? 95.
Last edited by: smokie on Thu 6 May 21 at 10:46
 Terrible jokes thread. - PeterS
>> >>> I gather she’s keeping the house, but he wants the Windows
>> Windows? 95.

Only he can get hold of a key
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
He has the one for the Gates.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Apparently wife version 2 is being designed.

Looks to be far more streamlined but the truth is it won’t be compatible with all of the software from life v1 and will require an awful lot of expensive maintenance.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
When asked why Melinda was divorcing Bill, she replied

Our sex life it rubbish, as he's Microsoft.
 Terrible jokes thread. - neiltoo
He should try turning it off and on again
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One parrot says to the other one, "Can you smell fish?"
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
When we're 25 we play football.
When we're 45 we play tennis
When we're 65 we play golf.

Our balls clearly shrink with age.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
As it Friday...

Two Glaswegians, Rob and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant" says Jimmy. "A've goat everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night".

Rob nods approvingly. "A've even boat a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Rob "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in tha. What's the tartan?" "Och" says Jimmy "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white!
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
I used to be in a rock band called "1023 Megabytes".

You may not have heard of us, we never got a gig.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
I heard your groupies weren't impressed with your floppy discs either.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
It was so bad that I left and joined a different group called "The Broken Aerials".

The reception wasn't very good.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
I saw an Elbow tribute band last night.

They were called Backside*, You couldn't tell the difference.

*Swear filter ruins the joke.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
A trip to get my hearing checked - I do need a hearing aid :-(

Any how, it reminded me of this....

I sent my hearing aid off in the post to be repaired.


It's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
Doctor Philip Hammond was told this joke by an 11-year-old:

Why did Suzy fall off the swing?

Because she's got no arms.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Dunno, but it's not Suzy.
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
What's th difference between petrol and paraffin ?

There are two effs in paraffin but no effin petrol .
 Terrible jokes thread. - henry k
I felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery.

The GPS had just blurted out " You have reached your final destination !"
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