These are one liners from the Fringe, and the paper is The Scotsman.
Some of these have merit, I think. Some. See what you think.
I won't tell you my favourites. (Thinks desperately)...how about: it would be too much like my uncle who was persuaded to donate his back garden to charity. He just gave the plot away.
tinyurl.com/ycoow3ez
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 20 Aug 18 at 10:18
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+1. I've been to Edinburgh for the Fringe a few times and I'm wishing I'd gone this year!!
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My faves:
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.â€
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.â€
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.â€
“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.â€
Sick: “My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.â€
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And ... one for the North Korea thread:
"War is a good way of teaching Americans geography"
~Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devils Dictionary.
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“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.â€
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When we were in Florence the other day my daughter asked what we were going to do after looking at the Ponte Vecchio, I said that we'd cross that bridge when we come to it.
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This ones mine from years ago:
The time travel classes are on Tuesday evenings, though once you've been a couple of times you can go whenver you like.
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I'm an expert on Levantine dips and spreads, I've got a good sense of hummus ...
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.....don't give up the day job......
;-)
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Don't worry, I'll do my flip flip joke again if he carries on.
;-)
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The garden party was not too expensive, though the guys with the portaloos took the pi$$, and the comedian was having a laugh ...
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On your head be it...
One legged bloke goes into a shoe shop,
"Can I help you sir?"
"Got any flip flips?"
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Bloke with no arms starts a fight in a pub. Head butting and kicking random people.
Another customer says to the landlord, "Are you not going to stop him or chuck him out?"
"No, he'll stop soon enough, does it most nights, he's pretty much 'armless...
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Man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.
Bus pulls up, driver opens door, looks at man, says ...
"hello mate, how you getting on ?"
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Smartly dressed gent walks in to a bar. "Keep. my good man" he says. "Drinks for everyone and for yourself." All of the customers in the bar cheer!
The barman happily serves round after round for the man.
At the end of the evening the now drunk bloke leans over to the barkeep and sniggers, "I have left my wallet at home, I will pay you tomorrow". Well the barkeep isn't happy and beats the be-suited several shades of blue.
The following evening, the smartly dressed man turns up again and flashes his wallet at the barkeep. "All is good tonight Keep" he says. "Drinks for everyone and let bygones be bygones, for you as well". Again, all of the customers in the bar cheer!
So the barman obliges and everyone gets drunk again and at the end of the evening the suited man says, "sorry, I have my wallet, but I have left the cash at home!".
This time the barman is livid and beats the man several more shades of blue.
Third time is a charm. The suited man turns up again and the barman is astonished and whilst he winds his chin up from the floor the suited man cries out; "Drinks for everyone!"
The barman still amazed at the size of the suited mans gonads sarcastically replies "What, no drink for ME tonight!?"
"Nah!" says the man, "you get waaaay to violent when you drink!"
I'll get my coat! :-)
Last edited by: zippy on Fri 11 Aug 17 at 23:39
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Hehe thought it's supposed to be one liners? There's another thread for jokes of all kinds ...
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Duplicate
Last edited by: Hard Cheese on Sat 12 Aug 17 at 06:25
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Space tourism:
Don't know why it's taking so long, it's not rocket science ...
The mile high club were interested until they heard about the risk of burning up on re-entry ...
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The olde ones are the best:
A guy with three eyes, no arms and one leg was hitchhiking. But nobody would pick him up. Finally, a man pulled over and offered him a ride.
The guy said, "You'll really give me a ride?"
The man said "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. 'Op in!"
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One liners though Dog, one liners ....
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The man who overdosed on alphabettispagetti won't make a full recovery though is expected to be OK ...
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The RAC man who was taken ill on the job is expected to be able to work again as long as he doesn't make a full recovery ...
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Bonzo the clown is taking his employers to court for funfair dismissal ..
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>>One liners though Dog, one liners ....
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
:o)
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The man who has been charged with vandalising Becher's Brook at Aintree has asked for 15 other fences to be taken into consideration ...
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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The paint company executive died of hyperthermia while hill walking, mountain rescue said he could have done with another coat ...
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A man threw a piece of cheese at me today...I thought ' That's not very mature '.
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Bruce Forsyth
Strictly done dancing.
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The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe, I don't agree with the organiser's choice for number 1 (in fact I think they're having a laugh ...) I'd vote for 3 and 10 ...
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
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>> I'd vote for 3 and 10
My choices would be 6 & 11
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1, 3 & 10
I heard them on R4 this am, but did not realise where they had come from.
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After the wheels were stolen from all of their cars over night the local police are working tirelessly to find the culprit ...
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I hate muslins.
I don't really like any form of cheesecloth.
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I don't know why everybody is so angry that I didn't know the word "Armageddon". I mean, its not the end of the world.
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I know it's a long shot though has anyone got a shell for a 16-inch 50-caliber Mark 7 naval gun?
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A proposed tour of Devon and Cornwall by supergroups Cream and The Jam has been cancelled after promoters couldn't decide which one should go on first ...
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I have applied for a job at Citroen, why do they want me to send them 2 CV's ...
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I do like a joke which raises an audible chuckle.
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I've bought a great new chair, it's very comfortable though cost me two arms and four legs ...
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Apparently there has been a burglary at the pencil factory, though details are sketchy ...
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THIS should put an end tuit:
Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
A: All that was left was de brie.
Q: What do you call cheese that is sad?
A: Blue cheese.
Q: How do you get a mouse to smile?
A: Say cheese!
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese!
Q: Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses?
A: R'n'Brie
Q: When should you go on a cheese diet?
A: If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Q: What is a cannibal's favourite cheese?
A: Limburger
Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater?
A: "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Q: Which is the most religious cheese?
A: Swiss, because it is holy.
Q: Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics?
A: It fell at the final curdle
Q: Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet?
A: She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Q: Which search engine is popular amongst mice?
A: Ask Cheese.
Q: What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse?
A: I'm Brieeee
Q: What kind of cheese do rodents like?
A: Mousearella.
Q: When should you keep an eye on your cheese?
A: When it's up to no Gouda.
Q: What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops?
A: Swiss!!!
Q: What do you feed the son of god?
A: Cheeses of Nazareth.
Q: Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party?
A: In queso emergency.
Q: What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter-pounder with cheese
Q: What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
A: Blue cheese!
Q: What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese?
A: Philadelphia.
Q: What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese?
A: Muenster cheese.
Q: Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers?
A: Someone always cuts the cheese.
Q: When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying?
A: When it's too Gouda to be true.
Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with?
A: Edam and Eve.
Q: What hotel do mice stay in ?
A: The Stilton
Q: What do cheese makers dance to on halloween?
A: The muenster mash!
Q: What did mutter say to paneer?
A: Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Q: What did the Cheese salesman say?
A: That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Q: What group of cheese has been known to fly?
A: Curds of prey!
Q: What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese?
A: Curd-istan
Q: What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card?
A: Go on a shopping brie.
Q: What cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
A: Moatzeralla
Q: What cheese should you use to hide a horse?
A: Mascarpone.
Q: What do you call cheese that is acting crazy?
A: A basket queso.
Q: What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution?
A: Caerphilly
Q: What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic?
A: Livarot
Q: What is a lions favourite cheese?
A: Roar-quefort
Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost?
A: I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Q: Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus?
A: Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Q: What cheese do beavers like?
A: eDam
Q: Which is the Richest Cheese in the world?
A: Paris Stilton.
Q: What do you call an oriental cheese?
A: Parm-asian
Q: How good is a Coney Island gyro?
A: Feta than sex.
Q: What's the most popular American cheese sitcom?
A: Curd Your Enthusiasm
Q: Why does cheese look normal?
A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Q: What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades?
A: I've felt grater.
Q: Why did the wheel act so bossy?
A: Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Q: What is a lions favourite cheese?
A: Roar-quefort.
Q: What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar?
A: Lookin' Sharp.
Q: Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese?
A: He double Gloucester!
Q: Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain?
A: Camembert (Come On Bear)
Q: When do they smother a burrito in cheese?
A: In best queso scenario.
Q: What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese?
A: Swish cheese!
Q: What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ?
A: Halloumi (Hello me)
Q: Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday?
A: Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Q: What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face?
A: Too close for comfort food.
Q: Do you want to hear a pizza joke?
A: Never mind it's to cheesey.
Cheesey One Liners
That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta.
I'm doing grate, but I could be cheddar.
I'm not saying my family is inbred, but my cousins names are Bologna and Cheese.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I used to work as a cheesemonger, but I camembert it any longer
When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
If I like you, I'll make you a cheese sandwich. If I love you, I'll grill it.
I'm glad the cheese stands alone because it makes it easier to find.
What does the "e" stand for in chuck e cheese
Listening to Nicki Minaj reminds me of the time I dropped acid and spent 4 hours leaning against a Street Fighter II game at Chuck E Cheese.
Mexican, Englishman, American
A Mexican, Englishman, and an Americarn are in a bar having drinks.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says,
Woman: Whoever can use the words �liver' and �cheese' in a creative sentence can date me for tonight.
Englishman: I love liver and cheese!
Woman: That's not good enough!
American: I hate liver and cheese!
Woman: That's not creative!
Mexican: Liver alone, cheese mine!
Birthday Party
A little boy went to a birthday party in a very nice suit.
When he returned home, his suit was full of holes, and his mother was mortified.
When she asked him what they had done there, he replied that after pin the tail on the donkey they were playing store and he was the Swiss cheese.
Blind Man
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with Cheese."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Amelia, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Amelia complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Amelia worked here..."
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Cheese!
Cheese Who?
Cheese a jolly good fellow
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Cheese!
Cheese Who?
Cheese a cute girl!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Queso!
Queso who?
Queso mistaken identity.
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Very good Dog though you didn't make that up in four minutes! and it's one liners, it's supposed to be one liners ...
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Thread drift my dear Cheeseman - not entirely unknown on this forum I believe ;-)
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I don't know how excited you are by Archimedan spirals and autowaves, Dog, but a search on Mr Google for "thread drift" has this exciting entry. I've tried but will have to wait until more awake tomorrow.
tinyurl.com/y94wzw79
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"You have reached a page that is unavailable for viewing or reached your viewing limit for this book"
(*_*)
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It takes a few seconds to load, meantime that message is displayed. Be patient... I'm (not) sure it's worth it... :-)
Last edited by: smokie on Tue 26 Sep 17 at 23:46
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I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
[Thank you,Viz]
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Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
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I asked a North Korean friend how things were going. He said he couldn't complain.
Last edited by: CGNorwich on Sun 1 Oct 17 at 22:16
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I've thought about running a marathon before I get too old though figure that putting up all of those barriers could be hard work ...
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I once had a drink with a girl called Lois Lane, i was very careful not to take my glasses off.
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Trump has released the JFK files and is complaining that the fries aren't as good as McDonalds'!
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My great-grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, they ignored him though he continued to warn them time and time again until they kicked him out of the cinema.
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I like that, not a lot, but I like it.
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I learned two things today:
1) that spontaneous sex in the kitchen can be exciting, passionate and overwhelming.
2) that my local McDonald's staff are very narrow minded.
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>> I learned two things today:
>>
>> 1) that spontaneous sex in the kitchen can be exciting, passionate and overwhelming.
>> 2) that my local McDonald's staff are very narrow minded.
>>
>>
Know the feeling...
Wife moaned about the lack of passion so I decided to catch her when she was bent over the freezer.
Now they won't let me shop in Iceland any more!
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I'm reminded of the Alex Glasgow song sexpectation about the man working up to act of sex with his wife on the kitchen table.
For her part she'd rather have a cup of tea
Unfortunately the copyright police have been on You Tube and removed the links to most of his stuff.
Last edited by: Bromptonaut on Thu 16 Nov 17 at 21:14
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I was out with the mates on Halloween and after a few pints made my way home.
I took short cut through the cemetery and saw an old codger chiselling away at a gravestone.
I asked what he was doing working so late and he replied, "the idiots at the stone masons spelt my name wrong"!
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Local kid has been caught sniffing gunpowder.....Cops let him off though/
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Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon, and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.
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Thanks for explaining "many" to me. It means a lot.
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I have just seen two policemen lying by the back of a dumper truck.
Apparently they were tipped off.
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A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, “I’ll have five beers please.â€
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I was going to extend upstairs with a higher floor...but that's another storey .
I asked the butcher " Do you keep dripping" "Yes sir" He said. I said "Well you'd better mop it up before you slip."
I asked the fishmonger if he had crabs.....The bruise is going now !
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I told my mate that I just bought a new hearing aid. "It cost me £2,000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect".
"Really?" answered my mate, "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty".
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My wife's bought me horse riding lessons two years on the trot ...
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Edinburgh Festival joke:
‘I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts.’
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 20 Aug 18 at 10:18
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The best 10 from EF
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-45238696
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 20 Aug 18 at 10:18
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"I suffered from asthma attacks as a child; there was this gang of asthmatics in our road."
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If the first one is the funniest I don't think I need to read the others.
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Still think that one of Tim Vine's many contributions to the Edinburgh Fringe over the years was amongst the funniest of the lot:
www.conjunctivitis.com
A site for sore eyes.
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Did you hear about Mohammed? He invented a religion to make a profit.
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Might raise a smile - smokie
