I've put this thread in Non-Motoring as the motoring content is minimal. My dad was unexpectedly taken ill shortly before Christmas and sadly he didn't make it as far as the New Year.
As his only child I've got a lot to consider right now. I'm still a bit numb but have started to take steps to deal with things. I've transferred my car insurance onto his car (hence the recent Classified ad for the Saab* and also my tweak of username), and made sure his house remains insured. Mine too, as I've never had enough contents to bother insuring them before. Funeral has been arranged, paperwork has been gathered, family are being supportive without intruding.
As you can imagine I'll be a bit busy for a while, but I'll read and reply to everything on here in time.
*Now sold to WBAC for, er, enough.
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With you. Know the feeling only too well although in 1993. Still hurts.
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I did see your post on Facebook last week, Dave. I feel for you and the kids.
Take care matey.
Ted
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Yes, I saw it too, so sorry Dave.
Pat
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My condolences.
As an only child I went through this, though there was nothing unexpected about the death of either of my parents. Not sure which is better - the slow decline or the sudden snuffing-out.
Getting busy (and there is usually a large amount to do) is a good way of coping.
Let us know how things are from time to time, if you feel like it.
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>> My condolences.
and mine. Been there once, and will be there again. Being purely practical about it, please - everyone - make sure you have proper and current wills in place. It makes life for those you leave behind so much easier.
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Condolences also. Keep busy. I did and it certainly helped.
Good advice from Zeddo...reminded me to update mine asap.
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And consider a Lasting power of Attorney. It can be even worse trying to look after someone's affairs when they are mentally incapacitated than sorting out the estate of someone who dies intestate.
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Good advice Z.... Our wills at home have a list of where our money is at the moment too. Worth keeping up to date.
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Sympathy, Dave.
My father died 21 years ago, my mother 14 years ago, and I still miss them.
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Yes, all sympathy. I was surprised how much I minded when my father died. There was a lot to do and one wasn't in the mood. The old man would have been such a help under the circumstances.
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Sorry to hear the bad news. I guessed when I opened the thread and saw it was Dave_C220DI as you've often change your name on here. Sorry :-(
I am sure you are up to sorting this. And moving forward things will work out.
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I assume the bankruptcy is spend so any large inheritance is unaffected? Sorry to bring a practical slant to this thread. I am still sorry to hear Dave's news.
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My condolences too Dave. My father died 13 years ago, sadly he and I never really got on and as a result we had little contact for 20 years, so I was surprised me how much it affected me. As he was divorced from my mum and had not remarried I was his next of kin so had to make all of the arrangements so I second the comments re having a valid will, he didn't and it was a nightmare.
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As well as condolences, the hope that you don't suffer the mixed feelings I do, including, along with sorrow, annoyance at the departed. I am not sure why this is.
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Thinking of you and yours Dave.
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Dave, sorry to hear your sad news. Nearly had the same as you back in Sept, dad ended up being ambulanced to hospital with pneumonia but eventually pulled through though it was touch and go.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways, some throw themselves into dealing with the practicalities to keep themselves busy, others collapse in a heap and struggle to deal. Most are somewhere in between but you never know when the grief will fully hit you. Might be now, might be after the funeral when everyone returns to normal and you realize there is now a void.
Just try to see the signs and don't fight them because that will make it worse, there is nothing like a good greet at times like this. Also, to others around you , it makes you more predictable and they are able to help. There is nothing worse than knowing a friend is struggling but won't admit it and they end up treading on eggshells waiting for the inevitable.
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"...you never know when the grief will fully hit you. Might be now, might be after the funeral..."
And it might be much later than that - even many months later. And it might resurface after you think it's gone away.
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"...the mixed feelings... including, along with sorrow, annoyance at the departed. I am not sure why this is."
Very common, Ambo, I understand, though I did not feel this. Unfortunately I had a lot of other stuff to contend with; my reactions to the death of my mother was part of a raft of complexities which was only resolved by counselling some years later.
Those interested in bereavement issues can Google "grieving process" and have a dig around. Everyone's experience is unique, though there are common underlying patterns. It's a fascinating subject - at least to me. (It's probably part of not being a psychopath.)
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My sympathies, Dave. Apologies for my post in your classified thread, hope it didn't offend.
Take care.
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My condolences too.
I've had 3 deaths - wife, parents.
Everybody is different, there is no "right" way to behave or grieve.
Feelings may well keep resurfacing years or decades later, often unexpectedly.
My only advice is to try and make sure that other, happier compartments in your life are as fulfilled as possible.
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Condolences a terrible thing to happen at what should be a happy time of the year for family.
My mother died 21 years ago and my dad 18 months ago. My dad was a very ill man for many years before he finally succumbed and it hurt everyone close to him degenerate with limited quality of life and he knew it. My mum died within 2 weeks of her condition being diagnosed and although I still miss her and regret the time she didn't get to spend with her grandson I'm pleased that she at least didn't go the same way as my dad.
I've found that time has been a pretty good healer for me and I remember with fondness the good times much more than the bad, of which there were plenty, which wasn't the case immediately following their deaths.
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Very sorry Dave, You have my email if you need anything
Matt
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My condolences too, Dave. Some sound advice from Bobby and FP on dealing with the feelings. Lots of people - I hope - will want to 'help', and it might be worth having ideas of tasks ready to meet the offers, but better than anything is someone who'll just listen, who knows they can't make it right so won't even try. It's not a time when you need to be told how lucky you are, or how it could have been worse. It may not be the person you most expect, either.
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Condolences, Dave
Coming from a large family, I think loss hits children of small families so much harder - you will find your own way to deal with it over time.
Take care
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Please accept my condolences also.
My Mother died at the beginning of November. She was steadfastly stubborn but with carers maintained independence within a week of her death but was in and out of hospital. Her mind was good but lost mobility in her legs so toileting became the focus of every visit. She lived close by and I had most of the responsibility. With my own family and teenage daughters believe you me it was an emotional drain.
She should have been in a home where they could meet her needs but had the mental capacity to make her own decisions. The number of arguments we had when each time she had a fall and then tried to discuss her care needs. She came out of hospital and within an hour had taken a tumble getting to the commode and fractured her ankle. Went back in hospital, caught a chest infection, agreed to respite in a residential home where she ate little and died within a week in her chair. Its a classic scenario.
Whilst her death is a great loss a great burden has been lifted. She ultimately made her own decisions. I did what I could and have no feelings of guilt. Caring for someone who is losing their dignity is one of the hardest things someone can undertake.
Wrapping up the estate and obtaining Probate is bureaucratic and can be a time consuming process dependent on financial assets but is not particularly difficult if you are methodical. If there is anything you wish to know I'm sure there is plenty of help to be had here.
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>> Please accept my condolences also.
>>
>> My Mother died at the beginning of November. She was steadfastly stubborn
Yeah - know where you are coming from there. My mother is just out of Hospital after going in end of October, and coming out minus a toe or three. Its clear its the start of a series of circulation issues. Funny how they seem to loose a lot of brain cells during a hospital visits and operations, but thankfully she has enough for me to be able to start to get a POA sorted. It will be needed because she now admits that she should be in a bungalow, not a house, and says she should have listened to me 5 years ago. Yes mother aint that the truth. This is going to be a fun 6 months getting that sorted.
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my condolences, Dave. Hard to take but you will come through it.
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Condolences Dave.
Mrs B's Mother died in 2013, in a family tradition of being trouble to the last, in a care home in Silverstone on Grand Prix day. Fortunately, undertakers have their exits!!
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My condolences too, Dave.
[Zero] "…………….and says she should have listened to me 5 years ago."
I've a friend who works for Age UK and one of her principle observations is that people leave the decision to move to more suitable accommodation too late. BUT she also says that, in a decision-making situation, the elderly can only have all the options placed before them and explained to them but they themselves must feel responsible for their decision; if they choose a stupid option, then you should not beat yourself up about it.
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>> decision; if they choose a stupid option, then you should not beat yourself up about
>> it.
But its a selfish decision driven by sheer bloody mindedness & stubbornness. By refusing to listen to sense and not being reasonable they don't have to deal with the crap that later causes
"But this house has memories I can't move" "yeah well I don't want the memory of you falling down the stairs and breaking your ruddy hip"
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"By refusing to listen to sense and not being reasonable they don't have to deal with the crap that later causes"
I know, Zed, I know - we should have a thread about dealing with the difficult elderly. My bloody minded, stubborn, aged father still refers to me as "the youth"; for goodness sake - I'm 64!
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 19 May 14 at 02:21
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Problem is that this can impact greatly on others and is almost a selfish decision. I tried to rationalise it around independence and dignity, after all home is home but it was hard. It was like having an 86 year old baby.
Nursing/social service staff likened it to a revolving door. There was little they could do and you could guarantee it would not be long before the patient would be back.
I promised my kids I would never put them through the same but we shall see.
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"My mother is just out of Hospital after going in end of October, and coming out minus a toe or three."
Polar Expedition?
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I must also add my condolences.
A loss like yours always hurts.
I missed my mothers passing by 5 minutes - 5 minutes I will regret till its my turn.
My father has been in and out of hospital a lot over the last few years, and I sometimes find myself thinking here we go again - your sad new has made me look again at my attitude - one day my father will also make a one way journey...
Again, my thoughts are with you.
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>>I missed my mothers passing by 5 minutes
Not suggesting for a minute this was the case with yourself ST, but I believe it is very common that when people are terminally ill, they will "choose" to pass away when no one is around.
My uncle sat by his wife's bedside for a week in a hospice, staying overnight, and then he was talked into going home for an afternoon for a break. My aunt died while he was away.
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>> >>I missed my mothers passing by 5 minutes
>>
>> Not suggesting for a minute this was the case with yourself ST, but I believe it is very common that when people are terminally ill, they will "choose" to pass away when no one is around.
She had fought a long time, and had decided enough was enough, but.... she was not alone.
One of my sisters sons was with her.
Strangely, he was the only grandchild that my mother witnessed being born (home birth)
So she saw him in, and he saw her out.....
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My thoughts are with you Dave!
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Happened with me ole mam as well, in '95.
Got her into hospital in the morning...I assumed her aortic aneurism was dissecting. They put her on a ward with the curtains round and we went up to sit with her. She was morphined up and asleep.
After a while we deciced to go home for a sandwich...it was only 5 minutes away. As we walked in the door the phone was ringing to tell us she had gone.
I'm fairly convinced that they upped the morphine after our leaving. Good for them, she went in dignity with no pain, in her sleep.
What more could you want ?
HO
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>> I'm fairly convinced that they upped the morphine after our leaving
Probably right in saying that. I know of someone who was ill for a while and eventually ended up in hospital. Won't go into details but relatives were called in and then the person was given something for the pain so the relatives were told..... and then they died.
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My condolences too Dave. A terrible shock for you, but try think that it is better to be taken ill unexpectedly and not suffer for long than face years of difficulties.
My Christmas day kicked off with a call at 7 am to say that my 87 year old Mother (who has parkinsons and very poor mobility) had fallen in the night and had been on the floor for a large part of the night. My 88 year old Father, who is a doctor, (although retired for 29 years) insists he can look after her and they don't need carers coming in and he doesn't want people coming in- but he can't pick her up ...
She was clearly unwell, couldn't stand or move, so there was no choice but to get her hospital and I spent the next 12 hours with her in A&E before she was transferred to a recovery unit where she still is.
Our main problem is my Father who spends all the hospital visiting time complaining about how terrible it is for him on his own at home, despite all attempts to shut him up.
The hospital won't discharge her until a proper care package is in place, so that is our next battle....
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>> My condolences too Dave. A terrible shock for you, but try think that it is
>> The hospital won't discharge her until a proper care package is in place, so that
>> is our next battle....
Oh yes, been there too. We had my mother discharged without one, and within two weeks was back in hospital. You need to quickly sort out who is who high up the chain - in the medical care trust and social services and bang their heads together violently, because there is a distinct disconnect between the two.
I managed to bully them into a case conference to include the Practise manager, (who included the community district nursing team) the Hospital outreach team, and social services manager
And then what does bullheaded mother do? tells them all to go away because she doesn't want people interfering in her life. Deep Sigh
Within two days she was moaning that no-one cares and why did she pay her social security all those years.
Last edited by: Zero on Wed 8 Jan 14 at 13:17
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They're somewhat nervous about morphine post-Shipman. When I (deliberately - having been tipped off by a vet friend) asked why my father hadn't been given morphine, nurse said 'we don't want to kill him.' Ummm isn't that the point of it...
Happily they did the following morning after we arrived, and within half an hour...
OP, I'm very sorry to hear your news; I don't think there's anything of comfort that can be said - you'll never get another parent but you have my sympathies.
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AFAIU, in dealing with severe pain, there's a narrow margin between an effective morphine dose and one that's fatal.
Perhaps Lygonos could help.
My Sister out law and an aunt by marriage both died after less than 72hrs palliative care in a hospice.
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>> AFAIU, in dealing with severe pain, there's a narrow margin between an effective morphine dose and one that's fatal.
enough sniping
Last edited by: R.P. on Wed 8 Jan 14 at 13:05
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Wow. Thanks to you all for the messages, it's comforting to know so many people are thinking of me and my family. Due to the time of year the funeral is still almost two weeks away, so I'm doing a few light days at the coalface to keep my hand in.
Zero - There is no will, it was one of those things Dad always meant to get around to doing but never did. He was hoping to be allowed home for a few days as a couple of the other patients near him were, but clinical necessity prevented that. His intention was to have something drafted and ratified in an hour or so. I'm on top of what needs to be done now though, with some professional help to make sure I don't miss anything vital.
rtj70 - You assume correctly, once a bankruptcy is discharged (now 2.5 years ago) no further action is taken regardless of any future change in circumstances.
Alanović - None taken my friend. In fact your response to the ad for the Saab prompted me to sit down and post this thread, as up to that point I hadn't felt able to get what I needed to say down on screen succinctly enough.
ambo, BobbyG, AC and others - As far as feelings go, I'm prepared to feel things I'm not expecting at odd times. I know it will happen and that knowledge alone should help me manage when it does.
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My belated condolences, Dave. I missed your thread as I was away at the time.
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It is hard to know which is worse, waiting for the inevitable or dealing with the unexpected. I've had the car on the drive and someone telling me of my children had died My partner, one of 5 girls eldest 13, lost both her parents within a month (illness). One has to offer help and support to the bereaved and if one is the bereaved, accept what is offered is the spirit it is given.
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Sad time in the family - MD
