NEWSFLASH
Major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
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This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
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Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
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Basildon is mentioned in the doomsday book (1086) as Belesduna.
The name Basildon is derived from the Anglo-Saxon personal name Boerthal and the Anglo-Saxon word dun, meaning hill, its probably changed a bit since Norman times though, what with the Olympic sporting village etc..
Wiki.
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Just reading some stuff on the Normans - violent bunch weren't they ?
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Vikings, by any other name.
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Which is why they're called "Norman". A contraction of "North Men".
IIRC, the argument between Harold and William over the throne of England, which led to the invasion, was all about who had the best line of descent from Erik Bloodaxe.
So both sides in that one were badge-engineered Vikings.......
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True enough they were. Strange though isn't it that now one would would always give someone called "Norman" the benefit of the doubt if here were unexplained acts of violence. Same with Malcolms really. They just don't sound the type.
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I've often thought the same way about Alfred (The Great) and Arthur (King) funnily enough.
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There was Spiny Norman of course
"Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way, except in as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as Spiny Norman."
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Did they nail his head to a coffee table?
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>> Strange though isn't it that now one would would always give someone called "Norman" the benefit of the doubt if here were unexplained acts of violence.
Unless the surname was Bates, of course.
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The Only Way Is Essex - Dog
